First, you must accept the improbability of Everything based on a set of universal constants.
The order of atoms coming together at this precise moment in all of the whole “Everythingness” which means I am where I am, typing the letter… “O”… in a blog on a site hosted by the internet, on Earth, is highly improbable. Very highly improbable. I am the only Greville Tombs doing this and may ever do this unless Everything lasts a very long time indeed and every permutation is played out eventually again and again in a cosmic loop until this actual moment is repeated.
Which would feel like if Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure was re-released in an extended uncut version.
The chances of you reading this at the particular point you are reading this further multiplies the improbability of “It All”.
Why am I sentient now and not Robert Louis Stevenson? Why did Plato meet Socrates to discuss the concept democracy but will always be destined to miss the distracting concept of Candy Crush Saga? What am I going to not know immediately from the precise act of my death? What do I not know through reasons of the act of my living? Why am I to be here, in this place, during now?
Why was Helen of Troy claimed as the most beautiful woman in the human history when, thanks to FHM, we now can’t decide who is the most beautiful women in the next 13 months?
[It's always Winona]
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| Always Winona (RED April 2014, 3) |
In essence, you, me, the invention of the personal pager, a funny looking cave, sound, water, asteroids, dinosaurs, leaves, annual FHM 100 sexiest women lists – Everything - All Of It - is a by probability product from a ridiculous set of probabilities adhering to base universal contestants. That is why I am here during now and not 333 years away still to be. That is why you are reading this and not being rock on a planet so distant it will reflect no light.
It is actually mindboggling. It might be the sole mindboggling thing.
Some say God made Everything. To prevent Anything becoming a god, Everything was denied the ability of the understanding of the meaning behind itself.
Now I can say this concept appeals to me. It could be the reason I can sleep at night. But then, the theory of when you get a weird shiver or jolt across your shoulder and down your spine for what seems to be no reason is actually you experiencing the death of a “you” in one of the infinite parallel universes [citation needed], each one created from every possibility, also appears to me a fair way of doing things. So, you know, I am not necessarily the person to come to for answers. Although I might be the best Greville to ask as, by my count, I am more successful at living than lots of me with every passing day. So far.
Second, you must accept humanity cannot create, but only manipulate and destroy what the universal constants supply. There is nothing more amazing and filled with intrinsic purpose than the eco-system – harmonizing, even on a brutal level, is what Nature is good at. The system is awe inspiring. Humanity is about breaking the system to its own limited inspiration and detriment. There is nothing as intricately gorgeous as a dragonfly about human development.
Except maybe Winona Ryder.
Third, you must accept humanity has the capability to simply put these huge concepts, ones which dwarf our importance and heighten it to beyond all reason simultaneously, to one side and get on with things. Things like watching Catchphrase on TV. And as a direct correlation of this, the third acceptance of the three rules you must accept, humanity invented the scam Cold Caller.
In the same week as walking by Professor Peter Higgs, a man who has rightly placed himself in the pantheon of humans who have raised themselves closest to understanding what's going on, I have been cold called by a human intent on scamming and scheming to their gain without a jot of care to my well being.
Thankfully I was sharp to their tricksies.
The cold call scam was abundantly see-through – which, as it was a phone call, shows how transparent it was.
[GT]: Hello?
[CC, noise of call centre which could have been a sound effect on a stereo]: Hello! Are you having a good evening?
[GT]: Uh-huh?
[CC]: We are a local company who has come into extra money and we’d like to share it among members of the local community like you!
Because this is exactly what nameless “local companies” do when they come into money. I actually think I read somewhere giving surplus money away was “local company” business strategy 101. Or did I see it in Die Hard 4.0?
[CC]: If you answer a couple of short questions, we can look to give you a share of the money tonight!
I presume the first question being my address since I am ex-directory and on the Telephone Preference Service List so you couldn't possibly have my telephone number by reputable means.
[GT]: Not interested.
[CC]: ARRRRGGHHHH! YOU...!
Click!
He actually yelled at me.
These cold callers, though, will get someone handing over their bank details, before you can press "go to checkout" on an amazon wish list. And they are often more sophisticated than this one. Some will even come up with a fake company name instead of "A local company".
Fourth, you must accept that because of the first three rules: a cold caller is contacting you because they want something, not because you want something. If you want a service then it should be on your terms. Check references, call the trade guilds, don't agree to anything or give details without a chance to reflect away from the situation for a day or three. Make sure you go and actively make the mistake, don't let the mistake passively come to you.
Cold callers, whether legitimate or not, on the telephone or at the door, are a scourge. Every cold caller is an irritation, unfeeling and (mostly) expert at taking money.
So, Cold Callers everywhere, remember how stupefying and awesome life is – you, like me, are made from tiny bits of Big Bang, still, if you can imagine it, we are imperceptivity exploding and expanding from a single point in the universe from every part of us. The universal constants, putting it all together from infinitesimal pulls and pushes capable of incredible force, have made atoms and placed atoms with atoms, formed cells, moved vast swathes of space, formed planets, a sunrise over Orion’s Belt, placed elements to carve details into the cosmos and developed almost impossible systems within autonomous systems. Over eons and (I cannot stress this quite enough) astonishing odds, a set of circumstances which, if understood, would make you a weeping God for the instant prior to your mind firing synapse burning lightening bolts with knowing It All, the immense, unthinking, unstoppable, and if it would recognise it: glorious, ultimate science has determinedly, perhaps execrably and if it would recognise it, beautifully, put you and I together in all our complexities and wonders and art and allowed us to exist in this too brief fleeting shared moment to appreciate it all and you chose to be motherfucking cold calling wank stain.
*slow handclap* Well fucking done.
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