My BBC3 sitcom

[I wrote this on the 4th April 2014]


It must have been the combination of some lovely unexpected positive feedback for my previous blog post about watching the documentary, Strippers, and my lasting shock of BBC3 - my main source of TV ire on this blog - being scrapped which did it.

And by "it", I mean of course being inspired to come up with a pitch and short pilot script for a sitcom on the bus.

Not a sitcom on the bus - but I was on the bus this morning when I came up with the sitcom to blog.

Developing the characters, situation and some dialogue between 12 bus stops in the morning is the perfect preparation for getting your sitcom commissioned by BBC3. So how painfully ironic it is that this won't happen to my rubbish sitcom.

It is not a sitcom about rubbish - it is a rubbish sitcom.

Anyway, like all BBC3 sitcoms it requires to be cheaply set, casted sexily, poorly acted and the dialogue must be near the to the bone, the "humour" crude, but not sweary. Not ever sweary. You can use medically approved terminology for body parts, or completely inoffensive euphemisms but not actual terms you would hear in any playground.

So be warned here - this is a BBC3 styled "kidult" sitcom.

Also, BBC3 sitcoms need neither a beating heart or make a life lesson. They are totally without merit of study.

Because the jokes are so laboured and, well, unfunny, you also need a good laughter track. I would have liked the best laughter track. But the BBC used it for The Wright Way and during the filming of those 6 episodes, it would go home and drink hard. Later it developed a morose it couldn't shake and when it accidentally found The Wright Way on i-player, it took a gun and shot itself in the throat.

Terribly sad.

Anyway, here is my pitch for a BBC3 sitcom.

LAPLAND!

Lapland is the name of a Christmas themed strip club.

The cast are:
Sidney Butterscotch, the club manager always struggling to control the girls, and find a decent DJ
Walter Cichy, the loyal but dim bouncer
Dee-Dee Jones, a voluptuous, blonde, Welsh stripper who is ditzy
Brandi Velour, stripper in her 50s, cynical about her long stripping career and slightly unhinged
Mujm Taylor, a level headed stripper. The "J" is silent
Sinamon, a dominatrix and ex-lawyer
Dave Taylor, Mujm's jealous husband

Note: At least one of the strippers has to be ex-Holyoaks.

There will also be male club patrons, but these will feature differently in each episode.

And here is the script for
LAPLAND!

First the theme tune. As with all BBC3 sitcoms it needs to be marginally about the sitcom and also something that the demographic supposed to see it will either think is retro-cool or written especially for the show, which it isn't.





SCENE ONE

In the small changing area of Lapland, the girls are getting ready for the evening, putting on sexy Christmas elf outfits and attaching baubles and tinsel and so on... Brandi Velour is hooking Christmas candy canes onto her nipples

[Sidney]: OK, girls, I've got a DJ for tonight. He only plays oldskool jungle music, but I booked him for a great price. Jungle music Tuesdays from now on!
[Mujm]: Great. Tonight is going to be another disaster!
[Brandi]: You girls don't know how lucky you are to be in the industry in this day and age.
[Dee-Dee]: What was it like in the olden days, Brandi Velour?
[Brandi Velour]: It was my second tour of booty. '75. I'd already seen to much for a girl for 2 lifetimes, but there I was working down river again. I was based in a small place called, Legs-o-las. Back then there were some guys who would be into pretty serious role playing games. Dungeons and Dragons - Tunnels and Trolls. Legs-o-las was a niche club for these Tolkien lover geeks. Back in the 70's men had different tastes to women's cultivation - more Rosemary and Thyme and less Monty Don, if you know what I mean. So being sexy stripper hobbits was no problem because we didn't shave our feet back then like we do now.

Girls all look at each other

[Brandi Velour]: Back then at Legs-o-las, my stage name was Bilbo Boobins: The Lord of the Nipple Rings.

Girls all look at each other

[Brandi Velour, eyes focussing into the middle distance]: Charlie was everywhere you looked. Like a fog or a choking mist on a field of your innocence. I inhaled more Charlie in the 70s than Keith Richards armed with a Henry Hoover. It was hot. Real hot. And there was heat raining down on you. You'd see these geeks, their eyes watching you - from just above where they were dug in, hunkered down, in the bush.

Girls all look at each other

SCENE TWO

5 men arrive at the club entrance. All are nondescript, except Man 2 who seems uncomfortable.

[Man 1]: In we go, boys!
[Man 2, Paul]: I don't know. I mean a work night out is one thing, but this?
[Man 3]: It is bonding, my son! You're the new guy at work so we need to get to know you!
[Man 2]: Couldn't we do it in a pub, watching the match, instead of having an evening where we will know what we look like when awkwardly turned on?
[Man 4]: Nah, no games on tonight!
[Man 5]: Let's get in!
[Walter, in fake European accent]: Velcum Jental mans!


SCENE THREE




[Mujm]: We can't dance to this, Sid!
[Sidney]: You'll just have to! When will I get a decent DJ?!?

At the bar the men  are talking...

[Man 1]: So you can't play with high back four if you're up against pace. The thing is -.
[Man 5]: Sorry, hold that thought, I'm just stepping out to be sexually aroused for 3 minutes.
[Man 2, Paul]: Really? That's acceptable now?

Dee-Dee shakes her body and beckons to Man 5 and they go into a booth.




SCENE FOUR
Man 5 returns to join the men at the bar...
[Man 3]: ... But Blackmore deserves to start more games
[Man 5, sporting an obvious erection]: Nah, he's an out-and-out impact substitute.
[Man 2, Paul, looks at the erection, and then into his pint]: Jeezus.

SCENE FIVE
The men are at the bar...
[Mujm]: Who wants a private dance?
[Man 4]: Why not?
[Mujm]: Come on, my fluffy bunny bear.
[Man 4]: Does that not cost extra?
[Dave, interrupts]: Just a minute - if you're going to get a lap dance off my Mujm, then I'm going be sitting next to you while you get it!
[Man 4]: That's... that's your Mum?
[Mujm]: Dave! No, sorry, I'm his wife - my name is Mujm, with a silent J.

SCENE SIX
Inside the booth Man 4 is sitting between Dave's spread legs. Dave is sitting behind him, with his arms wrapped round him...

[Dave]: Hold my hands
[Man 4]: What?
[Dave]: Hold my hands so I know you're not going to start touching Mujm when she dances for you.
[Man 4, scared and a little upset]: Oh...Kay...



Outside the booth the men at the bar hear shouting from inside and look troubled...
[Man 4]: Oh Mujm! Yes Mujm! Yes Mujm! Mujm, you are so hot!
Dee-Dee and Sinamon are standing looking at the men at the bar...
[Dee-Dee]: This jungle music is not really getting me into a sexy frame of mind, Sinamon.
[Sinamon]: I don't know, it's working alright for me. You! Yes, You! Crawl into that booth. You are going to dance for me tonight. Crawl into the booth lower!
Man 3 crawls past Sinamon and Dee-Dee, his work tie - and obvious erection - trailing on the ground...





SCENE SEVEN
A girl in a sexy reindeer outfit stands at a sign next to a door. The sign reads: Santa's Wife's home!
[Man 1]: Right guys, I am going in! Santa's grotty grotto, here I come!


SCENE EIGHT
The grotto is a labyrinth of  light and shade, a shadowy place. Brandi Velour sits at the back, head down, hands dabbing restlessly at her skull. Red lights, still, silhouette her in black, her Santa beard, tangled like old, curdled candy-floss, sweat dripping from the ends...
[Man 1]: Hel... Hello?
[Brandi Velour]: I've seen horrors...
[Man 1]: What?
[Brandi Velour]: I... I... I cried, I wept like some grandmother. I wanted to tear my teeth out; I didn't know what I wanted to do! And I want to remember it. I never want to forget it... I never want to forget. And then I realized... like I was shot... like I was shot with a diamond... a diamond bullet right through my forehead. And I thought, my God... the genius of that! The genius!...You have to have men who are moral... and at the same time who are able to utilize their primordial instincts to kill without feeling... without passion... without judgment... without judgment! Because it's judgment that defeats us.





SCENE NINE
Man 1 staggers out of Santa's grotto, looking drained, tie loose, jacket in hand... and an erection...
[Man 2, Paul]: Are you OK? What went on in there?
[Man 1]: I...I... she... the deer... the... reindeer... she... hacked the head clean off the reindeer! The blood... the blood! It vomited blood! And then I vomited blood! So much blood, I slipped.


SCENE TEN
Man 2 is standing at the bar trying not to notice all other men have erections pointing at him...
[Dee-Dee]: Hi! I am Dee-Dee. People just call me "double-D" though.
[Man 2, Paul]: Do you get called that because of your very full breasts?
[Dee-Dee]: No, because I have two D in my name!
[Man 2, Paul: Of course.
[Dee-Dee, rubbing up playfully against Man 2]: Do you want a private dance, honey bee?
[Man 2, Paul]: No. Thank you and all. You're lovely. Just this... all this... is not really me. I've a girlfriend at home and...
[Dee-Dee]: I understand. It looks like your friends have had a good time, tonight. You could have one too, but maybe with something a bit more safe, if you know what I mean?
[Man 2, Paul, looking at the other four men miming headers and football antics, all with erections]: Yeah, they have had a good time. Yeah! I do know what you mean. Safe fun! Yeah! I tell you what, I'd enjoy seeing a pole dance. No inappropriate touching when it's a pole dance!
[Dee-Dee]: What a good idea! Give me a second, I'll get it sorted!

SCENE ELEVEN
[Man 2, Paul]: This is not what I had in mind

Man 2, Paul, sits in booth as a leather crotch thrusts in his face.
[Walter]: Hey! I am Polish, yes! I dance good for you?
[Man 2, Paul]: Er... Yes?
[Walter]: £15 - there is no free ticket to top gun show!
Man 2 places 3 £5 notes one after another into Walter's leather pants.



Everybody Waves at the at the Camera, breaking the 4th wall...




FIN.



So that's that then. Not great, but it was thought up on a 20 minute bus journey. And it was meant for a BBC3 audience. I mean if I wanted to think up a sitcom at a ITV2 standard, well, then, that would have been a whole different, better sitcom about a strip club - perhaps on a train journey.

Not a sitcom of a strip club on a train - I mean... ah, forget it!

To be fair, by the time it was my stop to get off this morning I had moved beyond LAPLAND! anyway.

By the short walk to the office, I was now working on a spin-off series for my favourite character, Brandi Velour.

VELOUR SUITS!
Brandi Velour has quit Lapland! and is now making her way in the world as a merchant banker, where making money is still a dirty business.