I reckon I will be a good dictator. And by good, I mean very bad to my dictated to subjects. And they won’t be able to do anything about it because I would be the dictator over all humanity on the entire Earth!
I would be Greville Emperor of Earth!
I have loads of good ideas, too, to make the world a better place if I could only transplant them into all brains. The first good idea being: idea transplants.
I will give people the idea in their brains of not being annoying. This would include, though not limited to: no whistling and being polite. I will also give people the idea of thinking I am incredibly excellent.
And I will insist on plot line and character improvements in TV shows and Films I deem superior entertainment are implemented in real-time to whatever I am watching.
But beyond thought control and personality manipulation, being Emperor of Earth, I will need to make sure I am the grandest Emperor ever known: the most opulent, the most monumental, the most majestic. And for that I will need scale on a grand scale!
I will also need an extravagant entourage of an inner circle of trusted confidants. Get out of my life, friends! From now on I will only want to look at gorgeous people, talk with witty people and recline beside intelligent people in my vast library with an oculus ceiling so high trained exotic birds will circle silently overhead.
And I’ll enjoy the splendour of other exotic animals too: ligers and elks, polar bears and rhinos, butterflies and mogwai – in my Moon Zoo! Obviously I’m going to have a zoo on the Moon. As well as Greville Emperor of Earth I am Greville the Moon Duke. It is a title which came with the deeds for the Earth.
Although I am not a god – I couldn’t just magic up unicorns – I can insist on scientists mixing horse DNA with those whales with the horn. Or make every horse in 20 have a horn strapped to its head and they will be my imperial unicorn sentry. Either option – I will have my imperial unicorn sentry.
Hmmm… and mermaids. I will need to figure out a way to get women to be my imperial mermaids. Although I’ll need to check how well a swimmer each is first. Can’t have dead women in mermaid costumes floating on top of my palatial ponds. That would be a downer on my almighty ego.
Actually, being Emperor of Earth is already proving difficult with getting round the mechanics. Dead women in my pond is just the start of my dictatorship troubles. Having imperial unicorns, bespoke citadels on wheels and highly moisturised women to massage me each evening using the backs of kittens is all very nice – but I have not even considered the administration involved until this paragraph. If I controlled everything, I couldn’t simply demand people treat nature better or stop warring, for instance. I will need to give them something else to do. I could suggest everyone contribute to a balanced economy and food chain to eradicate Need – but that takes co-operation and dedication and there will be the inevitable meetings and conference calls asking for my wisdom which, given I want to have a LOT of leisure time as Emperor of Earth, might prove problematic unless I delegate. And delegation is no dictatorship at all. Oh by Great Grevilleseus! What have I become?! Within the space of 600 odd words I’ve gone from World Emperor with ultimate control of humanity’s thoughts to some Moon Zoo CEO with no clue how the internal moon mail system operates.
My idea of lacing the world’s water supply with champagne might backfire too.
Ok – forget all these grandiose plans for my Earth dictatorship. Let’s concentrate on the basics…
How about if I insist every earthling (or “Tomber” as I would re-term the noun) like me more than the Tomber next to them under punishment of “fight to the death in jelly”? That’s a policy which can’t backfire.
I would now ask for your vote, but I don’t need it.
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