Saturday 31 December 2011

2011 - I remember when you were cool, man

There are two reasons for a new end of year awards blog from me. First is that apparently I had not "covered it all" with the 2010 blog. Second is that my 2010 award blog was the most viewed of my blogs. So it seems silly not to give the people what they want, "Let them eat cake!" [not sure that is the right context].

So here are the Greville Tomb's blog 4 moments of 2011!

Weirdest moment of 2011

There were, in truth, a few candidates for this award this year. It was a year when some celebrities went a bit more mental than usual. The bi-winning Charlie Sheen was a very strange development that few could have predicted. His interviews and soundbytes veered between contrivance and outright oddness. He could have picked up the award [note: there is no actual physical award] for the fact the Guardian invented this quiz alone: Charlie Sheen v Muammar Gaddafi.

There was also the Haribo advert which was so weird that Charlie Sheen could have written it when doing the drug, Charlie Sheen.

Also this blog is lucky to be getting written at all when 2011 was to end early as the Rapture was due 21st May. Harold Camping was taken very seriously by many (I believe the term is) mid-Americans when he declared this to be the date gleaned from his mathematical study of the Bible. They sold their houses and belongings and gave away their savings. They stood in fields, arms aloft to the blue sky waiting to be taken by God. A short while later they potentially lowered their arms and looked about feeling rather sheepish. Harold Camping was taken less seroiusly when he announced on 22nd May the Rapture was next due on 21st October 2011. Camping's math was not holy, just full of holes.

But it was a relative late runner that wins the award this year. Children's entertainers and married couple, The Krankies, revealed in December they lived a debauched lifestyle in their 1980's pomp. A lifestyle that, considering their fanbase, thankfully didn't involve drugs. Just swinging sexual exploits with other vaudeville acts. I know what you are thinking - but Greville, in the 80's Jimmy Krankie would have just been a very young bo-. Let me stop you there.

The Krankies, on stage, were a cheeky, young schoolboy and his father (constantly trying to keep him in check) double act. Off stage, mercifully dropping their personas, they were a middle-aged husband and wife who have now admitted to partaking in a very active 'ding-dong' [the small ones phrase, not mine] social scene with magicians, animal trainers and dancers.

I still remember when my own childhood died a little when my parents tried to explain to me Wee Jimmy Krankie was a older woman married to her Dad - and now this?

Ian [the tall one] we learned would often have glitter from a dancer on his body and Wee Jimmy would return from a liason "smelling of Leopard". Wee Jimmy explained their rabid attitude to sex in this rather touching vignette of martial romance: "We went out for Sunday lunch one day [on a boat] and we thought we’d get a bit romantic. We nearly ended up in France. Ian said he couldn’t make it last that long now."

[Read more, if you dare]

Even so, I think it gets more wrong when I reveal that Wee Jimmy is releasing a CD titled: Dirty Wee Boy. Early contender for next years award?


The sports personality of 2011

Sport this year has been well served with the Rugby Union World Cup and so on. I think cricket was also involved, maybe.

It was football though that had the monopoly on talking points. Racism and sexism were the bywords for a game that arguably is more a poor reflection if it is still claimed to be for the masses.

There was Richard Keys and Grey who reduced Super Saturday Soccer on Sky into a scene from a feature length On The Busses episode. There was racism even from the people trying to stamp out racism: the danger of  asking a footballer from the 70's and 80's turned dour pundit to discuss the issue that he would become so self aware of his words that he would offend by simply trying not to offend was enevitable. Sepp Blatter, of course, the rudder on the good ship Soccer has form already in the sexism department - suggesting tighter shorts for women footballers - but truely upped the ante in a bravado performance this year suggesting that footballers subjected to what they percieve is racist abuse by fellow players should realise that it is just words and shake hands with the perpretators after the match to make everyone feel better.

However, the award this year goes to Columbian Footballer, Luis Moreno. Luis showed the world how to combat mind games of opponent teams such as the New Zealand Haka and clever stadium announcers. He chose to kick his opponent's team mascot and real live owl to death during the game. That sends out some message to your opponents. Kicking their animal mascot to death.

He may have been accused of "murder" by a stadium full of people who likely wanted to kick him to death and he recieved a football ban for doing it, but Hoopy the Huddle Hound might think twice about a gentle taunting of Luis' team when he returns.


TV moment of 2011

TV in 2011 was rather good. There was many sensible and worthy things on the box. There was the Frozen Planet, The Killing II, Masterchef. I watched none of these. There was some cracking comedies too. I thought that Perfect Couples (C4) was great (although, since it was cancelled after 1 series, I may well have been then only person) and the comedic-drama, Fresh Meat (C4) was brilliant.
Fresh Meat - despite it's clear message if it were in a butcher's market - had a difficult time in promoting itself. From the makers of Peep Show! Starring one of the Inbetweeners! It was not really what either of those facts threw up when it aird. It was touching, progessional and at times hilarious. It helped, too, that the cutest thing to come out Wales since... er... slate, Kimberley Nixon was in it too. Mainly though it was the strength of the ensamble cast to make you interested in them that was the winning element.

There was also event TV in the shape of The Royal Wedding. I did watch that. Even blogged about it. The Royal Wedding of course launched the Bum of Pippa so we should all be grateful for that alone.

Daybreak continued to exist like how stalagmites exist. You know they are there, where no one is looking, doing things. In the later half of the year that Hoggle Chiles and The Great Big Bleakley were sacked by mutual aggreement. It has now, on brief inspection, returned to more like GMTV than when it was GMTV.

The Scheme came back to our screens for the final 2 episodes this year too. In 2010 it was compulsive and tremendous viewing. It was an experience. Whether a year blunted the senses (we also had Big Fat Gypsy Weddings for our senses to contend with) or, what I suspect, a vigerous re-edit of the footage that had softened the edges, it was not the same. There was less of the dark humour and more depressing tales of failed hope - less Marvin and more Garden competition.

So to my TV moment of 2011. It has to go to the Matthew Wright. A man so crass and unaware that he has surely been created by Chris Morris. He made a joke about a murdered boy in a Scottish Isle. Laughing at his own wit of announcing: "Thurrs bin ah Murrdr" at the news of the deth covered in the paper review. But for me, this is my TV moment of 2011, words can do no justice so here it is in a picture:


What a reprehensible gimp. Oh, it turns out that words can do this some justice after all. 

 Most significant moment of 2011

I can point to so many defining moments of the year. The weather went off it's nut (possibly on the drug Charlie Sheen), and the natural Earth wreaked a horrible toll on life. The world ecomony, the only thing fully created by modern humanity, has also had more downs than ups. It was not a good year for dictators either [The blog's Saddam Award belately going to Gaddafi].

There were so many significant events for everyone once again this year that I would be uncomfortable, humble though this blog is, to consider one above any other. So here is a personal one. For the second year for me, here, there is the continued use and updating of this site that is most significant in the Greville Tombs' Blog awards. Not least because it proves that I am still alive.

The blog has more followers this year (which I am eternally grateful for) and has found a new trick or two up sleeve to keep everyone entertained, thanks to improvements with Blogger and my own understanding of certain clicky boxes. There is the mobile friendly version and a feed to my Twitter account. I can also now add captions to the pictures I upload in order to more fully illustrate points.
Sexual deviants.
See?

All in all I think the blog has slowly but steadily improved over the last 12 months. And I have continued to enjoy the blogging process because of all these things. So once again, many thanks, I hope you enjoyed any time this year spent on this blog and all the very best as we go as one into the future of Twenty-Twelve!

Wednesday 14 December 2011

Jingle Bells, Batman Smells

Christmas comes but once a year. And with it, comes the annual office calendar debate:

And the slues of Christmas compilation CD adverts onto the TV.

I have to confess - these adverts really irritate me quite a bit.

Here is the advert for Now That's What I Call XMAS! from 2010:


Here is Now That's What I Call XMAS! from 2005:


This is the advert from 2011 for Now That's What I Call XMAS!


Oh - your Christmas album - does it have, you know, the Wham song one? It does! What about John Lennon? And it has the New York one where they verbally abuse each other in a sort Christmassy way half way through? And Wizzard? Does it have, you know, Slade? Does it? Does your Christmas song album feature Slade? Really? Does it?? Slade!! Slade!!!

Yes, every pop Christmas compilation worth its salt I am sure has these on it. By rights they have to be. It goes without saying. Or it should. But apparently it doesn't. Not according to the advertisers, at least. Apparently we need told. The makers of the Now! compilation feel we need told that these stalwart, classics of the genre, songs are on these albums, thereby making them the best to purchase. And they have been telling us every year for the past 15 years. Who in Britain doesn't know that these songs are on this album? I mean it is exactly the same album, every year! They don't even pretend by changing the order of the songs cut into the exact same advert, every year!

Who buys these Christmas compilation CD's anymore? Despite it being named XMAS [but still infuriatingly called "Christmas" on the advert] in order to, I can only imagine, appeal to the youth who don't want to buy a "Christmas" album, I just can't fathom why young people would need to buy it at all, in these modern times. Their parents must have it, for a start. Surely there can only be so many a single household will have. I would love to know the unit sales of Now That's What I Call XMAS!. I would love to see it as a graph over time.
Even your precious Slade sings on the song that is on every compilation of Christmas songs... ever! this:
Does your granny always tell yer/
that the old ones are the best?
And she's up and rock and rollin'/
with the rest!

Slade - you have become the thing you have always hated.

It drives me slightly crazy that Christmas albums are not updated regularly. Wouldn't it be better if an advert included some of the songs which set that particular festive album apart from the others? If we could all agree that the usual favourites being on it was a given and don't need mentioning?

To counter these perennial Christmas songs that not only are on every CD ever made for this holiday, but that are also played on every Radio and depressingly shown on things like VH1 on flickering loop from the 1st December, I have been inspired to post some alternative Christmas songs below which the Now! gang could look to add into next year's compilation album and advert:











Of course, not even this collection can escape having a Crimbo classic in it. Here is Joe Pesci (yes, genuinely) singing in his inimitable (read: foul and offensive) style about his take on the practicalities of Santa getting from A to B. Pesci seems to have forgotton that Santa has flying reindeer for his sleigh but since he wrote a song about this n' all, and seems to be rather a disturbed individual, it is perhaps churlish to bring it up.



Merry Christmas, one and all!

Saturday 10 December 2011

v.1.2

Greville Tombs is now on Twitter. I am not sure what I am going to do with this mini-blog functionality. So far I have posted my first Tweet stating that it is the first Tweet I have posted and then made a scything comment about a seasonal advert. So the potential is there for all to see.

You can follow me on Twitter as well as my Blog.

But that is not the only tweak made. This blog isn't entitled v.1.1 after all. For those who like their dose of Tombs' lore on the move or when passing a few moments at a medical waiting room you can now enjoy a mobile specific format of the blog.

Further, the blog has also added to the "bril-links" box down the side-bar. These are well worth a read.