Just like everybody else

You know, I thought I was normal until last week.

 

Last week I took this photo:

 

It is upside down and I can't seem to fix it. No matter - the photo is the mere McGuffin here. If you want to find out why I took it then follow my Twitter account.

This is about how I took it.

 

I saw this shop and the declaration of war on English grammar it has made the day before I took this photo. The platter of "Baked Potato's", "Salad Bowl's" and "Full breakfast's to sit in or takeaway" on offer was pure Twitter fodder.

 

By the next day I had decided, yes, I am going to record this in a Tweet. It'll be just what my follow-dwellers expect of me.

 

I got up early - I had checked the weather forecast: Rain by 12 noon - and closed the door behind me.

 

8 minutes later I was there, at Fillip's Sandwich Shop. I was surprised at the queue in it. I could hardly simply stand outside, take my photo and walk away. That is not the actions of a normal person if I was witnessed.

 

I can't have people think I am odd.

 

Nope. I needed to be normal. I needed to pretend I had normal, every man reason for being there.

 

Could I stand at the bus stop outside the shop? That is what normal people do if they are waiting for a bus. And even though I wasn't waiting on a bus, no one would know I wasn't. It has to be pretty easy to convince people you are waiting for a bus. You stand a bus stop at 11 in the morning: you're certainly waiting for a bus. It is that simple.

 

But then, what if the bus came? I would need to be normal by boarding it. No one would suspect a thing. But then, how far would I travel? Judging by a normal person of my health and age, a few stops would be suspicious. I would need to get off much further than I would be reasonably expected to walk. Damn, why hadn't I waited until the rain. Getting a bus 2 stops up the road in the rain - I could get away with that.

 

But then, either way, I have had a bus journey to all intents as a normal person. Only I have no reason to even be on the bus.

 

No, that version of normal wouldn't do.

 

So I gave myself another backstory.

 

Having agreed to meet someone, I was now waiting for them. I checked my watch again. THst definitely says: waiting for someone. My character was impatient. I looked up the road in the direction I figured my meeting would be arriving from.

 

Then I had a masterstroke.

 

I pulled out my phone and pretended I had a text. It was asking where I was. There was no text [keep up].

 

I took a photo of the sandwich shop Fillip owns and made out as if I was sending it in a text. Of course I was in fact tweeting it. Clever, Greville, clever.

 

Mission accomplished. Followers now up to speed.

 

Only now, people would be expecting someone to meet me.

 

Play it smooth. We can get out of this.

 

I stood for another 3 minutes gazing up the road. Then my eyes widened. Oh, a text! In inverted commas. I read the blank screen it as if my meeting was now not to be taking place there after all - a change of plans. I shook my head.

 

I actually shook my head at the screen of the phone. There was nothing on it.

 

Then I calmly walked away until out of sight round the corner and I legged it back home. So I wouldn't caught.

 

A man arranges a meeting. Possibly with idea of getting a couple of filled roll's [sic] for brunch. He texts proof where he is to help the other party to know what to look out for. The other party texts back - a change of plan, a new place to meet is agreed.

 

What could be more normal than that?

 

Only of course, none of it was really happening.

 

In a bid to be normal I had, in fact, acted out a one man vignette show of normality with all the subtlety of a play written by Samuel Beckett.

 

That's, well, I don't think that is normal.

 

And not even a single f**king retweet. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother.

 

 

 



Not actual blog footage

I can understand some TV adverts can't, in reality, fully allow the viewer to appreciate the product. Perfumes are the classic example.

What does the perfume smell like....
A leopard in the snow? Like constantly missing the chance of a relationship? Katy Perry? Whatever this scary lady smells like?



But one product that is almost perfectly designed for the consumer to look at an advert of is Computer Games.

It is possible to put a demo of the game on the TV for 25 seconds of the game which will be on your TV screen if you buy it. It is almost incomprehensible that a computer game advert would not have a portion of gameplay in it. But here we are:




None of this is actual game footage.

Yes, the advert looks amazing, but none of it is gameplay.

And it happens all the time - the small line at the bottom of the screen: "Not Actual Gameplay" or "Not Game Footage"

Why not? Some adverts at least showcase you the cutaway graphics but a fair bit of the RYSE ad doesn't look like it is computerised at all.

It only makes sense if the game is terrible and looks woeful and the imagined gameplay far outstrips what the actuality can ever fulfil. But no ad agency would be stupid enough to do that, right?




Ok, well, maybe there is precedent.

Imagine you've seen the advert to RYSE and you rush to the Virgin Megastore, upstairs to the Computer Game section and pick up the box. You get home and stick the disc into the drive and this is what you are presented with:



Et Tu, Brute? Indeed!

Deceit Tweet

I like Twitter.
I am astonished and amused at what people tweet.
People out there have great little accounts, tweeting away about their days, posting photos or short jokes or links to things they've created.

There are also parody accounts of famous people, companies or inanimate objects making the zeitgeist. These are often entertaining and everybody involved is in on the deal because they state "parody" in the bio.

Then there are fake accounts. Accounts created and tweeted from by people pretending to be someone well-known. I am not sure what they are for. The person pretending to be someone else must have an unusual agenda.

In my short time on Twitter I have come into contact with only 2 fake accounts which left a lasting impression.

There was the account set up a few years back supposedly by Gary Glitter, to promote his musical comeback. The person behind the tweets must have read some vitriol on his timeline but simply would tweet: "Just wait until you hear the new album, that'll change your mind"

The Twitter corner I frequent was quick to RT "Gary" into my feed and quicker to then oust the account as fake.

Well, obviously it was fake! At no point, reading the tweets did I think Gary Glitter would be actually back recording a new album to both win back his respect in the industry and bring back "Glam".

The account was quickly suspended.

Only last week a fake Christopher Eccleston account appeared. Within hours he had 20,000 followers (including me). I like Eccleston. He might even be my favourite Doctor. I have to admit I suspected it was a fake account.

It didn't need a whole lot of deduction on my part. I read his tweets.

I strongly feel Christopher Eccleston would not set up a twitter account to tweet photos of DVD stands in an HMV he's in with the title:
"Ah HMV, I love these prices"

Although it would make my year, if he did. Because that is comedy genius.

I wish I had a twitter account set up to tweet photos of things in HMV and "I love these HMV prices". Trust me, I would never get bored of tweeting that.


But I don't have the time. And I'd say neither does Christopher Eccleston.

I continued to follow despite my developing suspicion. I wanted to see just where this was going.

Like all these fake accounts the account holder quickly goes mad with the power, tweeting with increasing frequency. Within 12 hours CE was tweeting about going for run, making a cup of tea (both getting 100's of favourites - what??) live tweeting a Harry Potter film (he bought the DVD from HMV, presumably - though didn't mention it, which was an open goal miss) and finally tried to get his suggested hashtags trending.

It seemed that most people commenting on these tweets were not actually acknowledging the content of them at all. They would write undiluted whovian adulation towards Christopher. Which is fine - but Christopher clearly isn't here to read them.

Still people tweeted, begging him for a selfie to prove his presence as genuine. None was forthcoming, though more tweets came:
"You don't believe I am me? You don't know me, you don't know what I like to tweet!"

Which I imagine Jesus might also tweet on his 2nd coming. Jesus would definitely have a twitter account. "You don't know what I like to tweet - I just really enjoy the prices in HMV. JC out."

Jesus would also end his tweets "JC out", I would suggest.

Predictably the fake Eccleston account was soon suspended and the person behind it with his mission to... promote HMV?... was over. I can now go back to believing Eccleston is a regular independent record store customer.

Anyway, fake accounts - they are weird.