The element of What doctors are for

They say you learn something everyday. They say a lot of things. But in this instance, they are right. Today I learnt that potentially in my lifetime there will be no more Helium on Earth. The human race will have wiped out an entire element. We have allowed it dissipate almost entirely unchecked in balloons that say "Happy 50th!" and what reserves we have are being sold off by the Americans (the primary source for the world's helium) who privatised Helium in the 1990's and are selling off their strategic reserves of the inert gas massively cheaply outside the Free Market.

A professor called Richardson has looked around and stated that Helium will no longer exist in 20-30 years time.

Children will never know it was ever on the periodic table. And they will grow up to be scientists - who also will not know that Helium was on the periodic table! What sort of madness is that? That I will know about Helium but scientists won't?

What about that bloke who could sing all the periodically ordered elements really fast? That's his party piece busted. It'll be more like a Proclaimers song in the future: "Bathgate No More, Helium No More, Lochaber No More".

That an element can simply disappear is mind positively blowing. It ranks, in my opinion, between finally laying waste to the rain forests and the impossibility to make gold. You know, it's like when the Panda goes extinct we might get lucky, find one preserved in amber and bring them back for them to take furious vengeance on us at the Rain Forest end of the scale and, although I realise that Helium is an element, it just feels like we should be able to make some more Helium easier than making gold, so it is just not quite at the, other, Gold Making end of the scale.

The thing is, Helium is hugely important in lots of things. It is a coolant for superconductors, medical equipment and solar telescopes. It could be the clean energy source that would revolutionise the planet's environmental issues. Frankly, we could be doing with loads of it.

Next time you go past a Clinton's you are perfectly within your rights as a Planeteer to rush in, spit at the teenage shop assistant, punch one of their inflated foil helium wasters and shout: "You solar telescope murderers!", I would have thought. No one would judge you for it.

Happily it appears these greeting card dwelling shops may yet be hoisted by their own petard. As Helium becomes more rare, the price is going to increase. Soon only the very rich will want their precious floating gold.

If you are clever, like me, you should buy your own underground helium containment lab and place one of the Helium canisters you can get for 30 balloons from ASDA in it. That baby will start paying for itself, and your pension, in 50 years. You could even have a foil balloon inflated to commemorate the anniversary.

All is not over, however. Scientists have been working on a solution. Masses of Helium has been discovered on the moon. We can mine the Helium there and bring it back in canisters or pods or whatever the space word for jars is.

Of course! The moon! Like most of science, it is all so simple when the answer is found. The moon is obviously full of Helium - that's how it stays up in the sky.