"Quotable lines!"

One of the simple joys I have found in recent times is writing short film quotes to films I have made up. Inspired by Kim Newman’s brilliant twitter “Dungeon Quotes” series #edq, it is the perfect form for tweets to while away the time whether on the bus or in a queue.

Here is a selection you can feel free to quote to family and friends from films I have made up so far.


Bridicide!

Bridicide tag line: “She had to have the day to always remember, her bridesmaids vowed to give her the day never to forget”

Only these won’t be marriage vows. Oh no. These will be vows of killing.

“If I don’t start enjoying the best Hen Party of my life in the next ten minutes, I am going to make sure all the hens know about your dirty little secret. Don’t think I won’t tell them about you and Bobby.”
- Bridicide (2012)


“You see, I didn’t find your “prank” of hiring me an 82 year old stripper tonight very funny. So I called in a favourable wedding duty from the Best Man.”

“But the Best Man is also my husband!”

“Yes. And he is such a – rhythmic – dancer. Aren’t you, James? Don’t speak – we ladies don’t want you to show your big dagger like… wit! Ha ha! Hahahahaha!”
- Bridicide (2012)


“Be careful with how you are handling that knife for the cake, you fool! You are waving it about as if this dress has not been stitched by 3 blind seamstresses from Venice using threads sourced from the hills of Honolulu! I dare you to spill blood on this wedding dress!”
- Bridicide (2012)


“Damn, Tilly! Now we have to kill the videographer and throw his DVD into the acid just to be safe! How’s my fascinator?”
- Bridicide (2012)



Here is a full grindhouse style trailer for Lorna LOLZ then KILZ!

Lorna likes laughing out loud to friends’ social media updates – Lorna types out her giggles in the comment boxes.
L.O.L.
But When Lorna sees comments which don’t make her laugh, those friends become the prey in her social web.
Lorna LOLZ changes to Lorna KILZ quicker than throwing a computer sheep in… Lorna LOLZ then KILZ!
Rated R.


At first. Lorna certainly “likes” her friends' statuses. But then tagging them for real – with a ship's harpoon – becomes the only way.
Lorna LOLZ then KILZ!
Rated R.


“Who? I haven’t updated my status to that! Someone has hacked into my social network…” Lorna hacks into accounts... and flesh. When Lorna types out LOL you better watch out for it stands for LAUGH OUT LEATHAL in: Lorna LOLZ then KILZ!
Rated R.



And my personal favourite, essentially because I reckon I could get it made:
Clouds set to: Doom!

"Professor, it is almost as if the cloud dial has been purposely set to doom!"
- Clouds set to: Doom! (2012)


"Neil, you know what a reversal of mood in the clouds spell? DOOM!"
- Clouds set to: Doom! (2012)


"Sarah, we need to get to the Professor's lab before the clouds do. Now put that cheese down and GET IN!"
- Clouds set to: Doom! (2012)


I mean with lines like those, this film has to have an audience on Channel 5 on a Tuesday 2:30 in the afternoon, right?


It really is marvellous fun. You should give tweeting quotes a go too.

Sublimulous

The thing which makes us human? The difference between us and all other things?

The concept, production and performance of shadow puppets.

I don't see anything else having shadow puppets. In fact, the medium of shadow puppetry might be our unique trait in the whole wide universe.

But what also makes us human? The motivation of adventure!

To climb to the top, dive to the bottom, to traverse the widest, to travel the fastest, furthest and first. To do it for the only reason of trying to put a perfect fingerprint onto the surface of a blue marble. To high-five God on the most rad half-pipe ever. To push everything to the limit just to find out if it really was ever the limit in the to start with.

It is looking up at the vastness and counting the stars and then vow to one day visit them all.

Adventure is the human condition.

And theatre.

This was brought into sharp focus this week with the news of a man who is going to jump out a hot air balloon at 120,000 feet and skydive toward the ground in a space suit, breaking the speed of sound and hope to tell us all about it when he lands about 10 minutes later. It is, in every sense of the word, an awesome undertaking for a human.

To me it is a combination of this human condition of adventure poetically entwined (if such things can be poetic) with science to create something which is pretty beautiful. Standing, alone looking at the curvature of the earth, only able to hear your own breath in the pressurised helmet and leaping off surely captures the imagination of the spectacular and spiritual.

The very same morning I read about this epic feat I read of another one.

The quote which caught my eye from this 2nd story was this:

"This is on the very edge of what I believe possible"

That is some statement. Considering I would have thought falling from a height of 120,000 feet faster than the speed of sound was pushing boundaries, a man saying this of his own adventure, well, it must be special.

This man, Chris, got his idea when rowing in a lake:
Build a human sized hamster wheel and walk in it to propel himself 66 miles over the Irish sea from Wales to Ireland. For charity.

The very edge of what he believes possible.

Bet he was gutted when the news of the bloke jumping from space broke the same day as his. So much for the weeks of hype building up your effort, Chris.

The guy jumping to Earth has spent 4 years planning, training and exacting on the details to ensure the success of the multi-million dollar project.

Chris expects he might eat 60 Mars Bars when skippering the wheel he built in his shed.

It seems like a perfect case of the sublime to the ridiculous, but in actuality it is difficult to tell which is which. Both are idiotic with no little risk involved and, really, who can say which has more merit than the other when history records humanities great achievements? I say this: Which is truly the ridiculous one?

It's the hamster-man called Chris.

Follow diversion

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Ghost in the TV machine

When I was growing up, 3 things scared the living bejeezus out of me.

• The 1945 film, The Picture of Dorian Gray
• This song:
• BBC's Ghostwatch

2 of these things can wait for a later explanation.

I watched Ghostwatch for the one and only time back in 1992 and, if you saw my tweet tonight, you'll already know - I am so very happy to now reveal I ordered the DVD of Ghostwatch from Amazon last week. I am excited to find out if it was as awfully frightening as I remember.

From what I can remember of it, it was the Grimm fairytale to the later Disney-fication of the form with the more recent Most Haunted.

Once I watch it (possibly near the end of October...) I will be sure to report back. Through the medium, not Derek Ackorah, but of this blog.