"Quotable lines!"

One of the simple joys I have found in recent times is writing short film quotes to films I have made up. Inspired by Kim Newman’s brilliant twitter “Dungeon Quotes” series #edq, it is the perfect form for tweets to while away the time whether on the bus or in a queue.

Here is a selection you can feel free to quote to family and friends from films I have made up so far.


Bridicide!

Bridicide tag line: “She had to have the day to always remember, her bridesmaids vowed to give her the day never to forget”

Only these won’t be marriage vows. Oh no. These will be vows of killing.

“If I don’t start enjoying the best Hen Party of my life in the next ten minutes, I am going to make sure all the hens know about your dirty little secret. Don’t think I won’t tell them about you and Bobby.”
- Bridicide (2012)


“You see, I didn’t find your “prank” of hiring me an 82 year old stripper tonight very funny. So I called in a favourable wedding duty from the Best Man.”

“But the Best Man is also my husband!”

“Yes. And he is such a – rhythmic – dancer. Aren’t you, James? Don’t speak – we ladies don’t want you to show your big dagger like… wit! Ha ha! Hahahahaha!”
- Bridicide (2012)


“Be careful with how you are handling that knife for the cake, you fool! You are waving it about as if this dress has not been stitched by 3 blind seamstresses from Venice using threads sourced from the hills of Honolulu! I dare you to spill blood on this wedding dress!”
- Bridicide (2012)


“Damn, Tilly! Now we have to kill the videographer and throw his DVD into the acid just to be safe! How’s my fascinator?”
- Bridicide (2012)



Here is a full grindhouse style trailer for Lorna LOLZ then KILZ!

Lorna likes laughing out loud to friends’ social media updates – Lorna types out her giggles in the comment boxes.
L.O.L.
But When Lorna sees comments which don’t make her laugh, those friends become the prey in her social web.
Lorna LOLZ changes to Lorna KILZ quicker than throwing a computer sheep in… Lorna LOLZ then KILZ!
Rated R.


At first. Lorna certainly “likes” her friends' statuses. But then tagging them for real – with a ship's harpoon – becomes the only way.
Lorna LOLZ then KILZ!
Rated R.


“Who? I haven’t updated my status to that! Someone has hacked into my social network…” Lorna hacks into accounts... and flesh. When Lorna types out LOL you better watch out for it stands for LAUGH OUT LEATHAL in: Lorna LOLZ then KILZ!
Rated R.



And my personal favourite, essentially because I reckon I could get it made:
Clouds set to: Doom!

"Professor, it is almost as if the cloud dial has been purposely set to doom!"
- Clouds set to: Doom! (2012)


"Neil, you know what a reversal of mood in the clouds spell? DOOM!"
- Clouds set to: Doom! (2012)


"Sarah, we need to get to the Professor's lab before the clouds do. Now put that cheese down and GET IN!"
- Clouds set to: Doom! (2012)


I mean with lines like those, this film has to have an audience on Channel 5 on a Tuesday 2:30 in the afternoon, right?


It really is marvellous fun. You should give tweeting quotes a go too.