Gather ye goblin looking office workers and no harm shall come to thine.

Well, well. Welledy, welledy. I see my nemesis Car. D’gan been published in our sector magazine again. The magazine is titled, the Newsletter.

Usually he writes a semi-regular segment in the Newsletter, detailing a small aspect of his professional life. I am sure it is meant to be a mildly amusing, knowing but light comment about a latest piece of news or a funny experience which he generalises to the point where we can all empathise and ponder over our morning warmed bagel. Instead I read it non-blinking with metaphorical drool like a spent bungee rope leaking from my metaphorical mouth at the surreal ramblings of the loon.

Here is an example:

The fact that numerous colleagues have been first in the firing line when firms are faced with redundancies (and grouped with cleaning staff, post room workers etc when examining relevant skill sets) never fails to disappoint. It will be interesting to see what happens to these organisations in relation to their provisions in the future, although I don’t suppose we will ever really know. A difficult question indeed. Admittedly using a Blackberry to take such a call in hospital may show that I really should get out more.

Make a point you cretin!

Now by some misadventure, somebody in the editorial staff has evidently decided that what the people want is to know is more about Car. D’gan: the man behind these simply bizarre gonzo articles. Personally I would rather read the tweeted conversations of the remaining few who still think they are members of the Blazing Squad about their women folk. But here we are.

It turns out that he is possibly even worse in a Q&A format. I know that the questions are a bit of amusement in an otherwise dry affair amongst committee reports and promotional material and it would have been felt that he would be an ideal candidate (given his local remit) to answer them in an irreverent and witty fashion – but I would tentatively put forth there is a fine line that he has crossed. From Good Morning Vietnam to Platoon.

I would suspect that he has not been contacted while driving through town and had the questions spat over speakerphone like a Gatling – it will almost certainly be the case that he has had time to sit, reflect and redraft his answers before he submitted this word resemblance to a series of mini seizures.

Newsletter alumni Car. D’Gan, answers our questions…
Q1 If you weren't employed in this sector, what would you be?
Miserable.
Q2 What annoys you most in your career?
What annoys you most in your career?
[Sorry to interfere in your enjoyment of his very witty and deliciously irreverent answers so soon but this could be some sort of exetential humour going on here, he may be actually deploying a form of martial art joke using the Q's power to reveal it's own inadequacies… or, equally, it could be the verbal equivalent of taking the interviewer's arm and slapping them with it whilst shrieking "Why are you hitting yourself?"]
Q3 How do you spend your time away from your organisation?
I do enjoy a spot of basket weaving and dry stone walling.
Q4 What is the one thing you couldn't live without at work?
Anger.
[Ok - another interuption - but might this be the 2nd most worrying answer ever after “the dismembering”?]
Q5 Which famous person would you most like to present you with the employee of the Year Award?
The editor of the Newsletter.
[NB she’s not famous – at least not in the biblical sense]
Q6 What’s your favourite legal drama series or movie?
Chips.
Q7 What are your favourite three songs?
I have always thought that this question was virtually impossible (as I only know one).
Q8 Do you have any phobias?
Grown men spending their weekends dressed as orcs, goblins and wizards.
Q9 Have you ever been attacked by an animal?
Our ex-Manager broke my thumb with a cricket ball once if that counts (during a game obviously)? I still recall the annoyance on his face the next day when I arrived with a Cumberland sausage attached to my hand and his comment: “That was a bad career move”.
[What does that story even mean? Honestly - what is he on about? You fool, Car. D’gan! Don't toss that one away! You could have saved that prime piece of narrative to be savoured in your own column!]

With a bit of luck, he'll be back writing is column again soon. I geniunely mean that. And when he does, I may send in my constructive views about it: his same column word for word, comma for comma, back to him. Every day for a month. He'll find that funny, I know all thanks to this Q&A.