Greville's good guide to stress reduction

Wednesday 6th November 2013 was Stress Awareness Day.
The ever conscientious HR at my open plan office sent out this bulk email.

Quite aside from the rather relaxing font size to start the mail, STOP! is in no way a stress inducing first word to read from your Human Resources Department.

Then there is the odd Zen style, "mystic" instructions following it.

"Be Curious"
"Can you watch the thought without judging yourself for it?" and the self referential "How interesting" in parenthesis.
"Curiously, what could you do to release tension?"
"What are you noticing about your feelings now?"
"Are you wondering where your breath is too-ing and fro-from? Shallow, from your chest? Deeper...? Or Deeper...?"

I mean, just... what??

Why must I release tension curiously?
If a thought passes across my mind without judging it, does it make a sound?

It all came over as a weird sort of $ex chat from a frustrated therapist who heard I might have had an unproductive morning meeting.

But there was more. There was an attachment. Here it is:

Now, I am no councillor, but I am not sure just how practical this advice is. It is, to me,  little on the shallow side. It seems, well, a little patronising to sending this out, unsolicited, to people who might be going through real tough times. You might be stressed in any combination of complex situations but just, you know, "Sort out your worries". Ta-da!!

It is a little like sending someone who has had their home, family or life destroyed by war a "Keep Calm and Carry On" postcard.

Why not put a shell up to your ear and listen to the calming sea which is also you blood pumping round your body at an ever increasing pace through your panicking heart?

Of course, I am no psychiatrist and so maybe it is this simple. Maybe I could do one of these little notices for next National Stress Awareness Day?

So, I have:

So now I have taken care of the scourge of stress - let's see if I can't show the tricky field of boredom what for in the months to come. Watch this space!
[starts making a poster with the phrase "Do Interesting Things, Like Trying To Watch Your Thoughts Without Judging Them"]

The Grunge Librarian - a graphic novel

Here is my first attempt at a graphic novel (not comic). It is about a Grunge Librarian.

The thing about Grunge Librarians is that they will start stamping books really quietly and then stamp the books really loudly and wildly for a bit and then go back to stamping them quietly again.

I did this in the office the other day.

But first is the theme tune:

Because it is not just emo librarians who can be melancholic, grunge librarians can be too.

The thing about emo librarians is that they are never sitting at the service desk, they are always outside the service desk looking in, questioning why there is so many people coming up to it and considering the fleeting shallow vacuous nature of its mainstream popularity.

Greville's advert breakdown 2

One of my most popular blog posts was just that last one, down below.

@LibrarianNelly and my Dad and others sent me adverts which amused / horrified them. I feel this could end up being a semi-regular set of posts.

And so, since we should make this a little more scientific instead of simply being an advertisement man's patsy, what have I learnt so far about what sells things?

Humour sells things:






Catchy jingles sell things:






Cultural caricatures sell things:




Attractive girls sell things:




Adverts I feel compelled to watch a number of times because I have no idea what they are selling sell things:




And this advert should never sell anything ever, unless it is the souls to the Devil of anyone who sings along to the Karaoke styling, if there is any justice in the universe:

Greville's advert breakdown

Have you noticed a trend? Old adverts are being reused on modern TV. It is weird.

This one came on tonight in the middle of a TV show made in 2013:




To be fair, I can get nostalgic about some adverts and here are some of my favourites:



I remember the cartons of Kia-Ora came with stickers of the characters from the advert.



Talking of advertisement merchandise... forget your meerkats - dried fruit got there first:



You could buy raisins wearing sunglasses out of every shop in world in 1986.



Of course everyone likes a Levi ad. Just like your Doctor Who - every generation had there own one. Here is mine:



Happy slim-fit denim memories there. Smiley Winky Face.


I even liked this one - it would come on during my school summer holidays and set me up for a day of wishing the sun was shining so I could go outside for a bit:





And here is another classic:





But all this leads me to the point of my bloggette this evening. It has been suggested that this is the most irritating advert of all time:



And to show irritation is not sexist:






BUT may I suggest these as contenders?



This definitely is sexist - some of us don't have a penis to point to your Facebook shenanigans.

And this one is obscene - just what does the robot interrupt?



Enough of these aperitifs! Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present what I believe to be the worst advert ever. It is creepy and annoying and all seven shades of wrong. Remember it is trying to sell you the product. I give you the Plenty More Fish advert.

Watch it 3 times and tell me this isn't marginally worse than some talky Australian couple walking to their cars.



Oh. My. Word.

One - are you going to think "Hmmm I am a dead eyed cockney lady who is tone deaf and looking for love. Yes I would like to find a man who looks half-baked on meds with terrible posture and potentially a civil servant."

And what about those little monkey clones of her?

Hideous.

Ah! Greville - I hear you say after chewing your sofa cushion - the Kia advert still wins because there were two. One was an annoying woman but it also had one that was a man!

Well, you asked for it:



Sweet Jeezus.