"Quotable lines 4!" A new batch

You might remember a series of blogs I did where I exlpained I like to tweet lines from my made-up movies every so often. Then I blogged the lines too in an awesome blog post which included film quotes from "Sexy Autopsy" and "Fax Machine Down!".

I've called this phenomena "Grevillehouse" - it's not mad if it is a genre.

Fans of Grevillehouse will be delighted to find I've gone and done another made up film already this year. Light Speed Limit (Rated R) is based on the actual events too.
It had a little higher make-believe budget as well.

So settle down for some more... Grevillehouse.

But first the trailers of more made up movies by me. All age appropriate for the main feature...




Peter T Bone is the steak knife killer in… The Steak Knife Killer! Rated R! The Steak Knife Killer! The chances of survival for Peter’s dates are… rare!
“Hey, Peter, great choice of restaurant for our first date!”
“I only take the finest choice of cuts out to the steakhouse”
“Are you getting fresh…?”
However you like your murders: Bloody to Well-done. You’ve come to the right steakhouse.
Peter T Bone, the steak… knife… killer.
Rated R.



Sweet Lady Ems IS the Law… Librarian… in, BOOK ‘EM!
This book loving dame has a tweed belt in the martial art of AACR2 and an aggression level set to “passive”. When the Law Librarian closes rolling stacks, they stay closed – to death. But she also has the body of a woman.
You’ve come to the right place, if you want a reported court case! But when the law librarian searches the OPAC, all you criminals better watch your back! She’s a mean, lean, MARC Unicode compatible machine!
Cat burglars tangle with The Law Librarian only to have their library member cards stamped “Overdue… for prison” in BOOK ‘EM!
“Tell me before I go to jail, Law Librarian, how’d you figure out my ingenious cat burglary plans?”
“You forgot who was on your tail, Tomcat, I am a law librarian: cats are our spirit animal and we speak all dialects of Meow!”
BOOK ‘EM! is the film critics cannot believe has been made.
You’ll see law librarianship in all its psychedelic imagery!
“So, Law Librarian, you used Boolean Logic to catch the criminal?”
“Well, Yes AND No, detective.”
BOOK ‘EM! will reinforce your notions of life as a law librarian and then alter them into wild, dizzy neon nightmares of book pulp, lust and gore!
“Hey, Law Librarian, ain’t you a citation for sore eyes!”
“Sugar, you just keep your eyes above my top shelf”
Sweet Lady Ems is The Law Librarian – the perfect mix of law, order and that most carnal of all things: knowledge.
“Law Librarian, you were right again! The stolen rings were stashed in the Library all along!”
“Of course! After all, detective, in a library: Silence is always Golden.”
BOOK ‘EM! 
Classified R.


And now, the main feature!
Light Speed Limit (Rated R):
When science meddles with light, things get dark in this tale of warning based on actual events.


Light Speed Limit (2015)

“Professor, It worked! The light in this test tube is slowing down!”
“Yes, Mike, my theory was correct. But what if my other theory was wrong?”
 - Light Speed Limit

“Mike, you fool! You took a spoonful of slow light out of the vacuum cage!”
“I wanted to show it to Susan, Professor!”
“You fool, Mike!”
 - Light Speed Limit

“Can’t we just give light a push, professor?”
“That’s why you’re a pretty face, Susan”
 - Light Speed Limit

“Mike, what will it be like when the speed of light drops below 17 miles per hour?”
“Well Susan, according to science, days will never end and nights will last forever”
“Oh Mike, it sounds horrible!”
 - Light Speed Limit

“Light: the purest energy of the cosmos. And humanity had to spoil it with our obsession with the sin of sloth”
 - Light Speed Limit

“Susan! What’s with the bikini?”
“If light is slowing down, Mike, it will take longer to get a summer tan, silly! Now run!”
 - Light Speed Limit

“Professor!”
“Mike, my boy, I can’t help you. By the time I walk the 30 feet across the laboratory floor you’ll be nothing but dust. I see you waving but you are already dead.”
 - Light Speed Limit


Roll credits over a suitable soundtrack



Words by Greville Tombs
Colouring of words by Greville Tombs
Produced by Greville Tombs for Grevillehouse Productions
Directed by Greville Tombs

........

If you don't follow me on Twitter then you are missing out on very occasional real quotes to my made up movies. So really, it's up to you.

Extreme trampolines and hold-up bras

I thought I would quickly blog about the news of a trampoline park which recently opened up near Edinburgh.

10,000 square feet of trampoline lining the floor and walls. With no age restrictions 11am-9pm. What could go wrong?

Apparently, quite a bit according to this news story:

Investigation after 102 incidents at trampoline park

Broken limbs, backs and necks reported along with some allegedly lapse health and safety procedures.

The CEO of the park issued the statement:

it was "very important" to put into context they had had 25,662 jumpers over the three week period and 102 incidents in that time was only a 0.39% incident rate.

"We have never had an injury that was caused by the equipment or layout of the park... injuries come from landing awkwardly, or interacting with another jumper."

I'm no expert, but those using trampolines surely can usually only injure themselves through landing or interaction with another jumper. Or jumping really high up to a spiky ceiling or into deep space.

And so what if the park layout has funky, edgy décor, music and incentives for you to jump higher and in a range of angles? It doesn't mean one should get carried away and try a triple salchow when until 3 minutes before you thought it was a drink order.





And according to the park's own website:

A recent study of trampoline parks across the US found an injury incident rate of 0.02%

Which is lower than 0.39%

Anyway, I'm not about to start questioning the response from the CEO. Or the statistics. Or suggest 4 trampolines in a room of whitewashed breezeblock and the teenage pleasing sound of Bobby Vee on the speakers would encourage more gentile jumps.

I want to mention what surprises me in this report.

What surprises me about all this is not the injuries - no doubt a few attributable to over exuberance -  or that a wife would spend 20 minutes arguing with a school-leaver attendant to call an ambulance instead of phoning an ambulance herself after 5 minutes of arguing for her near folded husband on the trampoline. What surprises me is the number of people wanting a shot on a trampoline.

25,662 in the first 3 weeks of opening.

That's 51 people an hour, every hour of every day for 3 weeks.

That's astonishing to me. I never figured that trampolines would ever be that much of a draw. I know some will be repeat bouncers but, even so. That's a lot of people in the area who totally want to jump up and down. Often next to each other. In an unpredictable fashion. Willing to sign a liability waiver to do it. And after reading this in the Safety and Rules section of the park:

WARNING!!! Catastrophic injury, paralysis or even death may result from failing to follow the rules established by the park, some of which are set forth below and due to inherent risks, sometimes even if all rules are followed.

And still people complain when they break their neck.

Anyway as the saying goes: It's Health and Safety Gone Mad.

Next they'll be saying wearing a semi-automatic gun-holster brassier is not a good idea.

Woman shoots herself in face while adjusting bra holster

Ah.

"This technique also presents the attacker with a major distraction while allowing you to access and utilise your firearm," said Flashbang, one of the leading manufacturers of the product.

Flashbang have a point. And for the rest of the time, when you are driving, shopping for shoes and jumping on a trampoline, you have a loaded gun pointed at you.





Be safe out there. A stray shot from a bra-gun could ricochet off a trampoline and deflate a nearby bouncy castle. With you in it.

Recognising a well run bouncy castle