"Quotable lines 3!" - the Cumulation

Welcome to the 3rd part of the Grevillehouse trilogy of my collated tweeted real quotes from movies I have made up.

I must admit I find it a lot of fun and have been tweeting quotes from my made up movies every so often for a while now, to basically amuse myself.  But now they can amuse you too!

Indeed, I have collated all the tweeted quotes together here from the other two blogs, including some never before seen quotes, as some sort of box set blog blue (oh they are blue alright) ray package.

But first – the trailers of other made up movies by me. Settle in with your pop, corn.





Lorna likes laughing out loud to friends’ social media updates – Lorna types out her giggles in the comment boxes.
L.O.L.
But When Lorna sees comments which don’t make her laugh, those friends become the prey in her social web.
Lorna LOLZ changes to Lorna KILZ quicker than throwing a computer sheep in… Lorna LOLZ then KILZ!
Rated R.
At first. Lorna certainly “likes” her friends' statuses. But then tagging them for real – with a ship's harpoon – becomes the only way.
Lorna LOLZ then KILZ!
Rated R.
“Who? I haven’t updated my status to that! Someone has hacked into my social network…” Lorna hacks into accounts... and flesh. When Lorna types out LOL you better watch out for it stands for LAUGH OUT LEATHAL in: Lorna LOLZ then KILZ!
Rated R.


Lorna LOLZ is Lorna KILZ in Stab Yourself Fit!

When Lorna KILZ hires you to be her personal trainer, it’ll be you doing the jogging… for your life!
“Hey, Lorna, you’re doing great on that machine! Now let’s move onto the dumbbells!!
“Hey! Who are you calling, Dumb?!”
Lorna KILZ stabs herself fit in a fit of rage!
Lorna KILZ puts the combat in body combat!
But Lorna KILZ also shows a tender side: “Wow Lorna KILZ, looking at you in this communal shower, I wonder if I can ever get a body like yours? What’s your secret to your toned body?”
“Take a stab in the dark, kid!”
“Good eating and healthy exercise?”
“Well, healthy for one of us! Here, let me show you!”
"Aiiieeeee!!!"
Treadmills become Dead-mills in this gym. This is where wild women are held behind parallel bars.
Because this is the gym where you Stab Yourself Fit!
“Lorna KILZ, are you sure this is going to get me the thighs I want?”
“You’ll have the body I’d kill for, Kid!”
Stab Yourself Fit!
RATED R!


Lorna LOLZ, vixen star of Lorna LOLZ then KILZ and Lorna LOLZ then KILZ II, stars in her brand new feature as Kan-Doo in Kan-Doo Attitude!
When you hear Kan-Doo, you are already done.
No crook is too small, no mafia boss to large for Kan-Doo to do her thing. And do her thing, she does.
When a gang of Hell bikers ran over her heart they took almost everything from her, except her attitude.
[In a barn] “Hey, do I have any volunteers to run this shipment across the state line?”
“I can do, boss!”
“Don’t mention that name!”
“What name, boss?”
[From the barn door] “My name, apple pie!”
“Kan-Doo! Get her!”
When fists start flying, bad men start dying, when feet are kicking, crime takes a licking, all because of the Kan-Doo Attitude!
When you hear Kan-Doo, you are already done.
[Sleazy guy in a restaurant] “Hey, did I hear right? Your name’s Candy? Sure look sweet enough to me, baby!”
“Sure baby, sweet enough to give you diabetes of the jaw!” [punch!]
Rated R.




And now for the main features!
Clouds Set To: Doom (rated R)
Sexy Autopsy (rated R)
Fax Machine Down! (rated R)
The Horrific Library (rated R)




Clouds Set To: Doom (2012)

"Professor, it is almost as if the cloud dial has been purposely set to doom!"
- Clouds Set To: Doom

"Neil, you know what a reversal of mood in the clouds spell? DOOM!"
- Clouds Set To: Doom

"Sarah, we need to get to the Professor's lab before the clouds do. Now put that cheese down and GET IN!"
- Clouds Set To: Doom

“Mad? Would a mad scientist be able to successfully inject malice into clouds?”
- Clouds Set To: Doom

“I am not monstrous. I am perfectly normal. Don’t… er… don’t look at all my monstrous things over there”
- Clouds Set To: Doom

"I'm not a mad scientist! I take 24 pills a day to keep me sane!"
"Professor, I'd say you need to start taking 26."
- Clouds Set To: Doom

"It's true! There is a silver lining to every cloud!"
"That's no silver lining. Put on your anti-neutron poncho!"
- Clouds Set To: Doom

-----------------------------

Sexy Autopsy (2013)

"So, who's on the slab this morning? Hmmm, 'Sarah Jones'... Nice set of brain lobes."
- Sexy Autopsy

"Nurse! My y-incision CD, please."
"Best of Moby, Doctor?"
"Not this time. Put on... Best of Barry White"
- Sexy Autopsy

"I suppose, Nurse, the brain is the sexiest part of the body. But not when it's in that bowl. Or is it?"
- Sexy Autopsy

"What makes an autopsy sexy, doctor?"
"That would be where you come in, Nurse. Now hand me that saw. Slowly"
- Sexy Autopsy

“Nurse, you have lovely eyes. Now put them in the eye jar. No, the ‘smoky, come-to-bed’ labelled jar”
- Sexy Autopsy


For some reason I have Jayne Middlemiss as my star of Sexy Autopsy. Just seemed right somehow.

And this for the end credits as well as the single for the soundtrack album.



-----------------------------

Fax Machine Down! (2013)

“We’ve not received any faxes for… 41 minutes.”
“Great, golden Jeezus!”
- Fax Machine Down!

“Our fax machine isn’t working, general!”
“Quick, Private! Send Base a fax to let them know!”
“Sir?”
“Dammit!”
- Fax Machine Down!

“We are administrating blind here!”
- Fax Machine Down!

“Look! A Fax! Private, read the date on it!”
“8th November 1993, General”
“May God forgive our souls”
- Fax Machine Down!

-----------------------------

The Horrific Library (2014)
Tagline: Where the Librarians disturb the patrons

“You want to know where the horror section is? Why, it is ALL the horror section!”
- The Horrific Library

“We classify the books by their screams. The shriek decibel system”
- The Horrific Library

“Lots of our books have been dead multiple times. I mean ‘read’. And then killed.”
- The Horrific Library

-----------------------------

And I have not even started made-up quoting from this yet:
Greville's Terror Tales From The Tomb!
Where the women run hot and the blood runs cold.
Rated R.
#tombsmovie
Coming soon to a twitter near you...


If you don't follow me on Twitter then you are missing out on very occasional real quotes to my made up movies. So really, it's up to you.

TV lowlight of 2013 Pt. 2: the year of the doctor

So what was my TV lowlight of 2013, if not The Wright Way?

You can save yourself a fair crack of time by scrolling to the bottom of this and play the clip what's there. Because that's what all these hideously arranged words are leading to.

If you are reading this, then you are in for the long haul.

When a show has gone on so long that it becomes intergenerational it starts to have problems. The show changes with the times to keep up with the target audience. The show doesn't want fans to grow old alongside it. It wants leave those behind. Yet it still wants to celebrate it's history.

Older fans get nostalgic. Fans as they age start to talk openly in terms of eras or of people which they felt affiliated to in the show. The ones which perhaps heralded a maturing eye by giving them strange new feelings. They think announcing what era they were in the demographic for marks them as veterans who are to be revered as wise hipsters when instead, for the new generation, it simply casts them in amber like the mosquito in Jurassic Park. "I was hanging with the T-Rex before it got cool"

The new generation of fans - 21st Century fans - want less home made craft and wobbly sets. They want more adventure, things done at high speed and a rat-tat-tat script which relates to them, less back story and talking about things which happened before they tuned in. They don't have time for that. Does Twitter have time for context and back story? No.

Now I think we all know what long running, iconic BBC show I am talking about. And, for my sins, Yvette Fielding is my presenter. Yes, kids. Gets no hipster than that.

Nah, I'm only kidding. I'm not talking about Blue Peter! I am talking about Doctor Who, of course!

I don't kid about Yvette, though. I'd watch her sticky back plastic a kitchen roll any late afternoon of the week.

Now, before I start getting a whole lot of weird hate mail delivered in fezzes from fans of Doctor Who, I am not saying Doctor Who was the worst thing on TV.

Doctor Who is doing just fine as a show. It has a hard job too. It needs to work on many levels. Engaging enough to keep new fans to the show, reverent enough to keep the older fans with their Rolodex of Who continuity fact cards happy and mainstream enough to have the casual viewer not turnover to Splash! on ITV.

If I had to make a complaint about Doctor Who is that I don't believe any drama has been more known for it's writer since Shakespeare. Whether it was Russell T Davies or now Steven Moffat, the show is rarely talked about without mentioning them. It makes it hard to suspend belief about a time travelling universe saving super alien when you hear every line as a keyboard stroke in an office of a middle aged man, chucking at his own intelligence.

2013 was a big year in Doctor Who. And to show how big a year it was, the BBC did everything about Doctor Who bigger.

In 2013 the Doctor character regenerated into a new actor.

Remember when, before 2013, regenerations were nothing more than two men in the same clothes and sometimes just one man in a wig?




Well, in 2013, this was how the Doctor regenerated:




2013 was the 50th year of Doctor Who you see, and the BBC clung onto it for dear life in what has been troubled waters for the broadcaster in terms of nostalgia.

The BBC produced a number of big special programmes to mark the occasion and I will briefly go through some of them now.

There was Doctor Who: The Ultimate Guide. Which it wasn't. The ultimate guide would have taken 3 days to broadcast and be chock-a-block of what some might describe as "Who Nerds" citing things from novels and listing the music being used in the background of the The Ultimate Guide for reference purposes for later reference. This was more Doctor Who: The Crash Course. Concentrating on the more modern episodes and, given the talking heads brought on to talk about Who-lore, it could have been even more accurately called, Doctor Who: For Dummies. At least that would have prepared the viewer from getting ultimately guided by members of super-group McBusted. Interestingly Konnie Huq was in this - if I had only been a few years older, she would have been my "Bluey".

There was An Adventure in Space and Time. A wonderful drama written by the equally Moffat-like omnipotent Mark Gatiss about the very first actor who played the Doctor, William Hartnell, and the production behind the first shows. It was meant to be a children's historical edu-tainment show, you know, back in the day. There were some lovely touches and it certainly didn't need much prior Who interest to be hugely entertaining for the viewer.

The BBC also showed the first 4 episodes of Doctor Who. I was surprised just how much of a dislikeable character he started out as. A curmudgeon, not exactly quick of wit, he appeared completely unheroic and at one stage tried to kill a wounded caveman by bashing his head in with a stone. Not only a mean thing to do but with a total disregard of the consequences of changing the future of time and space.

There was a documentary explaining that, in recommissioning Doctor Who after a 10 year or so hiatus, the people in charge of the production were now the true fans of show who would write and perform and record on cassettes their own audio plays when they were young. Which is why instead of the companions being responsible teachers and the Doctor's granddaughter, or eye-candy just for the dads, the companions are these days exclusively hotties who all end up kissing the geekiest and brainiest character in the show (the Doctor). Just exactly as in real like. On those real life cassette tapes. Of the geek boy's made up audio plays. Where they were basically the Doctor.

Honestly, literally any excuse - I'd even concoct a poorly written
blog about Doctor Who for a chance to put this in it.

The BBC also, of course, had the 50th Anniversary episode. A romp. With multiple doctors, naturally. It shouldn't be taken any more seriously than that.

For me, it was the Five(ish) Doctors which was most enjoyable. A rather more true account than people might want to admit involving previous actors who played the Doctor trying to get into the 50th anniversary episode. The decrepit, eccentrically embittered "doctors" failing at every turn to convince Steven Moffat (depicted coming up with story lines by playing with Who action figures) they deserve to be in the episode, rang very honest and was all the better for the of it.

So far, so good.

But then, just at the end, there was Doctor Who: The Afterparty.

Doctor Who: The Afterparty. A show so directionless it couldn't even cope with one direction (more of that later). A programme which showed in horrifying clarity just how well the Doctor Who series wire-walks over the populist, fan and casual viewer ravine.

It didn't seem like the sort of Who party, Who fans would ever attend. It was cruelly shambolic.

The main problem was those producing it and anchoring it clearly had no idea what the fuss was all about for Doctor Who other than somehow saying you are well into Doctor Who is hip now, and hip is what you want to be.

It was Going Live with adults. Adults on the Ood juice (the set actually had a bar with Ood bar staff, serving Ood cocktails). Hosted by Zoe Ball and someone from T4, neither of whom I particularly associate with either Doctor Who or good presenting skills. All the main players were there as well as a load of companions which T4 guy and Zoe knew that they should be excited about on behalf of the viewers, but just didn't know in quite what way. It made for TARDIS crash television.

A TARDRESS

At one stage they had a live link to Australia where a man stood mildly mocking the Australian fans around him who had dressed up as Doctor Who things (except for the one in a TARDIS mini dress, who he complimented on her effort). I saw him pick out the smallest young lad who had come as an awkward, self-conscience pre-teen Dalek and berate him for not saying "EXTERMINATE!" with enough conviction on live TV.

Moffat actually had a go at the BBC during this live afterparty show - saying something along the lines: "See BBC? You could have had John Hurt as the War Doctor for 10 years if you'd not cancelled it!" wholly and worryingly missing the point that John Hurt would not have done it in the 90's and, basically, the kids would not have enjoyed John Hurt if his cameo in 2013 was anything to go by.




Slightly tipsy old companions jeering and cackling at the bloke from T4 and a strange bit where an animated K9 gives selected statistics from Doctor Who were the highlights. The highlights!

If only Doctor Who had brained the caveman right at the beginning then this arc could have been changed and the future of Doctor Who would never have culminated in this vomit of tripe.

Steven Moffat would like that. He's into story arcs which tie-up every loose-end and reset mythology so much that he is effectively denying the joy of new fans setting up their own recordings of Doctor Who stories which he and his production team had.

At one stage you can see Moffat actually seeing how he has been complicit in all... this.. and reaching out for the Big Friendly Button. But is isn't there. Because real life sci-fi doesn't work like that.

So! For all those reasons, and particularly the one below which interestingly for a celebration about a time traveller displays an astonishing lack of the concept of time delay, it is my 2013 TV lowight. In fact if you can get through this clip, then, well you're a better person than me 'cos I switched over on the night it aired. It might be still in an infinite feedback loop on BBC3 for all I know. Or care.

TV Lowlight of 2013 Pt 1: the pretenders

This blog contains clips of simply dreadful TV. You have been forewarned.

What was the worst programme on TV in 2013?

If you reply with Mrs. Brown's Boys, the broad strokes of an adult pantomime which trolls media critics to the extent it might well be filmed in front of a studio audience under a humpback bridge, you'd be wrong. I mean, you're right - it is dire:



See? But it's not the worst.

Did I hear someone at the back shout out The Wright Way, by Ben Elton?

Wrong. True, a situation comedy written as a shout-piece vehicle for it's writer, Ben Elton currently in his conservative (with a small c) establishment period pomp, the show is horrible. From the pun in the title to the husks of characterisation and simply awful double entendre jokes and actors channelling Ben's delivery and words woven into over long rants in the forlorn hope that they are in themselves somehow funny, as a structure it was sub-BBC3 fare. I found myself harking back to better Elton times. Times like when Elton wrote The Thin Blue Line. That's how bad it is.

I tweeted my review of it at the time and I think it remains the perfection of summing up the comedy show:

Ironically, The Wright Way's main protagonist, Mr. Wright, a jobs-worth Health And Safety Officer, would utterly approve of the show. It's jokes so well signposted that it is impossible not to see them coming from miles off.




This is in Ben Elton's head these days. All the time. He thinks of scenes like that and goes: Hahaha.

Did I hear a murmur of "that thing with the folk in the toilet"? Yeah, that was a nadir.

Channel 4 put out a lot of content of drunk, good time youngsters in the Indian Summer of 2013. I am not sure what the point of it all was.

If I happen to be waiting for a taxi at night then I can see what is going on. If I am not waiting for a taxi I am not thinking: I wonder what waiting for a taxi in the night is like? No one does.

Unperturbed by this, Channel 4 went ahead "Revealing the reality" by filming folk waiting for a taxi at closing time for bars and clubs, getting regrettably unwise tattoos when spilling out of bars and clubs on holiday or standing in a nightclub toilet. Such settings does not sound like decent TV it will make. And it didn't.

The Nightclub Toilet was the worst of the Up All Night trilogy.

I have been in nightclub male toilets. The trick is to use it as infrequently and then as swiftly as possible. There is no talking, not even in the unfortunate circumstance where you see someone you know going in, in front of you. Eyes centre and down, soldier. Remember to wash. And then not touch any surfaces.

Instead, in this version, nightclub toilets are a place to go in, hang about for a bit. It is a place to tell of drunken relationship woes, chat to the attendant to get a slice a of their working life and breakdance on the dubious fluid puddle collecting floor. And that was just in the Gents.

The show was forgettable as a partially overheard discussion. The people involved utterly without merit to give a second look. It is not exactly their fault. Channel 4 in their miss-directed wisdom to have a programme where the hook is to see behind the toilet door basically got what it deserved: everybody already knows and none of the process is interesting.

The rule is drunk people tend to find drunk people next to them entertaining. People sitting in on a Thursday night watching TV before setting out the paperwork for tomorrow's morning strategy meeting do not. Those people are sitting watching footage of men struggling to balance, pissing in a trough.

That is not good TV.

It's one saving grace is that it has surely killed stone dead the unbelievably sleazy practice of one nightclub's grotesque selling point of "secret" two-way mirror viewing in their ladies' toilets. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/scottish-news/fury-over-two-way-mirrors-looking-1908048

No one is going to pay to sit and watch a nightclub toilet after seeing The Nightclub Toilet.




But... this was not the worst thing shown on TV in 2013, oh no.
That comes in part 2...