Totally covers "Act Of God". T&C's apply.

For semi-regular readers of this occassional blog it will come as little surprise that I was up early recently unable to sleep and began pressing the UP button on the remote control to the television. I am amazed at the output of broadcasting during unsociable hours - amazed at how cheep, generic and repetative it mostly is. Sometimes, though, you get lucky. You get a gem of a viewing experience.

A new station had appeared on my television menu - DAYSTAR. Until now it described itself as "closed". Until now it was simply a blank, dark screen. Until now there was nothing. But now - now there was something. And it was bright.

DAYSTAR, it turns out, is an American based religious broadcasting channel. It is not to be confused with still going on [if you can beleive it!] UK pretend breakfast morning show, Daybreak. Despite the angelic Bleakley. DAYSTAR is in the almost parody/stereotype mould of US religious programming. It is fancy - the production values look expensive, outlandish even - the hosts are homely sorts, not too glamorous, but air-brush pretty, who you suspect would welcome you with an apple pie as soon as look at you. They speak with cotton candy intonation and are as sincere with their condescending and bewildering preaching as any Texan judge sentencing people to the death penalty. And yet, it is immediately - for want of any other word - cheesy. Again - do not confuse this with Daybreak.

Religion when trying to appeal to the masses simply cannot get away from that shudder induced at realising you are at a religious rock band concert and those folks in their knitted jumpers pogo-ing about the place might not be super-cool or even distantly likely to let you cop a feel during the mid-set ballad. Because the ballad's all about Saint Desiderius of Fontenelle. And they all want to have a Pure fun time. [If only I could have convinced them I was Jesus]

However, DAYSTAR anchor, Reverend Marcus was now speaking of something I was not expecting from an evangelistic show. God wanted him to go forth and sell insurance. Marcus explained that he had been given a message from God.

"Now I have been a preacher of The Word for 37 years and I have never receieved a message that is as clear as this before, from God. I checked it with Reverend Jack and we checked the Scriptures together and he agrees that this is the most clear message either of us have heard. God is offering you insurance."

Hold on just a minute! What was the message exactly? What form did it take? Did He come in shape of a marginally dated red analogue telephone?

"Do you have problems in your life today? Does the Devil prey on you? Are you struggling with debt? Do you or your loved ones suffer ill health today? God can take those things away. I am so excited about this news! God has said that for 700 viewers, right now, He will protect you from all evil. I am so happy! He will take the Devil from your door! For 700 people for 12 months!"

This seems to be a rather conditional heavy God action here...

"Do you fear your cancer? Do you fear the bills coming through your door? Do you fear the Devil Himself? How great, then, if you are one of the 700 who can gain saftey from these things for 12 months - 6 months for cancer -"

Eh? Wait the what now?

"For 700 of you right now, God is offering you His total protection package for up to 12 months for only $53.17 a month! Just call in on this number: 555 XXXX"

Ah. [the amount, by the way, is explained as being the number of a passage of one of the books of the Apostles which talks about God thinking about getting into the insurance market sector]

"But how will you know if you are one of the those chosen 700 to receive God's ultimate protection?"[results may vary]

Good point. The first 700 to phone in and set up a direct payment to you, Marcus?

"I will pass you across to my friend, to Reverend Jack, who confirmed my message direct from God, to explain."

OK.

Queue another energic man looking directly at the screen and gesturing out into the room.

"It is a good question! How do you know that you have been chosen for this wonderful gift? Ask yourself: Am I one of the 700? Do I need protection from the Devil? Look deep inside you. And do you feel something? Do you feel something in your soul? Do you feel a compulsion to pick up the phone and begin making the payments right now? Give yourself a little time to think about it as you enjoy The Word in the voices of our choir."

At this point, a musical chorus called the DAYSTAR singers are in full Whoopi Goldberg mode singing about love, God's protection and that in a sequence of grand, sweeping camera shots.

Right - so you call up, one of [apparently] millions who are tuning in and potentially doing likewise, believing you are one of the 700 and if nothing happens, the cancer worsens, the bank takes your home because you tell them you have decided to ensure your house with God, the Devil is in bed with your wife, well, you were simply wrong? You takes your chances at the Fair? This doesn't sound like a legitimate insurance company policy. This doesn't really sound like something God should be getting involved with at all. In fact, it sounds a little like the Devil is in the detail here.

"The question is, have you felt anything, anything at all? Because if you feel even the slightest connection right now to what is happening on your screen, it is God trying to call out to you - He is saying you should dial this number and pledge this small monthly price for the protection of the Almighty for 12 months!"

As I say, never confuse this with Daybreak - although with the stupid competition phone-in question mainly designed to make bucket loads of money out of the very tired, housekeepers and the unemployed increasingly it appears that only a mother could tell them apart - DAYSTAR is much less wholesome. Even accounting for the Chiles.