The one where no one notices we've gone

It is the 3 week anniversary. Did you notice? I bet you didn’t.

It has been 3 weeks and 1 day that situation comedy Friends has been removed from Free-to-View television in the UK. And you haven’t even given it a second thought. Not even a glance in at the reduced single season Friends' DVD from the petrol station mesh bin on your way home tonight. And you expect dinner on the table? You unthinking cretin.

Now I don’t want to give my age away, but I was younger when Friends first was aired on Channel 4, in 1994. It would end up becoming a piece of television that helped to define the zeitgeist of the 90’s. This, when you think about it, is quite a feat for a strangely safe, genial and quaintly set situation comedy. And, warming to my theme here, looking back on it from the lofty position of our post-Friends revisionist citadel - How on earth did this happen?

It didn't usher in the era of high concept situation comedies. With it's situation revolving around 6 friends interacting with each other almost exclusively so either in one of their 3 apartments or at the local coffee house, it was far from being boundary pushing. It was no My Two Dad's. Now that was high concept. I will leave it to the show's intro to sumarise:

Yes, that's right - 1 daughter, two guys who could be the father and a judge who orders them to live together. In the Judge's sub-let.

It wasn't even as conceptual as the situation comedy where a short, hairy space alien came to live with a human family and the jokes were based all on his childlike understanding of humanity and surprisingly witty barbs. Yes, of course, I am referring to ALF. What else?


The highest concept that they asked the viewers to accept was that such a dystopian group would be friends in the first place. If they are all such good guys to be around - where were the others? Answer me that Chandler Bing, how come you could all spend all your time together in the coffee house or at home? 2 of you are blood relatives, another is a friend from school then 2 more are friends from college - apparently one was picked up by accident and the other one (the least pretty girl) is a proto-violent eccentric who must know something about one of you because she doesn't seem to fit in your social sphere frankly at all - and you couldn't get just one more friend between you? To be fair, I don't know anyone who would want to spend that much time with any of you quite honestly.

Friends may have had an ensemble cast, each sharing the screen and laughs, but then so did Seinfeld. And Seinfeld remains almost cultish in the UK, despite it being seen as inordinately better than Friends.

Friends made an issue of the fact it was filmed in front of a "live studio audience" and should a joke or one-liner not hit the mark and get the big reaction expected, the writers were on hand to redraft and try a different one. But Happy Days not only did this, but also made a specific feature of it with a member of cast making a voice-over announcement at the beginning that "Happy Days is filmed before a live studio audience" and that show was made in... assessing the fashion... my guess is anywhere between 1953 and 1962.

Friends didn't even leave a great legacy with a decent spin-off. Cheers served us the superior Frasier. Friends dolloped up Joey. And the cast went on to be in some films I forget the names of but were generally awful. Apart from Lost in Space - that was alright. I'll give them that one.

So Friends was not groundbreaking, the cast was not individually comically talented, it didn't feature a space alien at any point and the characters were so unlikeable that no one could write a fictional character to like them for more than half a season - not even that monkey hung about for long. Which brings me back to my question - how did it become arguably one of the defining aspects of the 1990's.

It did something that I don't think any other comedy managed. It became a lifestyle choice for most of the young, hip, generation.

Girls asked for the "Rachel cut" at salons and would sit on their beds filling in magazine questionnaires about who their secret crush was most alike out of Joey, Ross and Chandler and squealing. Boys started saying "How you doin'" to everyone with no irony and would admit to watching a sit-com on a Friday night instead of being threatening at a bus stop. Relationships would stand and fall on the "On a Break" theory - and people would know exactly what this meant. Groups of friends would demand coffee houses be established with plush furniture. Coffee drinking from oversized cups became the height of youthful sophistication. It was simply hardwired into daily life.

The most important hair in the last 17 years

I even bought the damned Rembrandts' LP under the illusion that it was the favourite band of the characters so must be good. Not just bought it, but taped it [don't tape music, kids, it is killing the music industry] to play in the Volvo. As if that would make me a cool, young professional coffee drinker who had female friends with outstanding hair. I didn't even have a job.

So the anniversary is important. Because for all that, for all the relentless syndication of it's 236 episodes, that it got me to listen to tepid middle of the road rock at a time when Nirvana were happening, for all the arguments on public transport about who we would rather go on a date with: Rachel "Scientifically proven best legs of all time " Green or Monica "Because she's boarderline OCD at least you'll have a well structured evening ahead" - Geller as if it actually mattered - for all that, just like you, I don't miss it.

I have Big Bang Theory now. I'll put the kettle on.

Totally covers "Act Of God". T&C's apply.

For semi-regular readers of this occassional blog it will come as little surprise that I was up early recently unable to sleep and began pressing the UP button on the remote control to the television. I am amazed at the output of broadcasting during unsociable hours - amazed at how cheep, generic and repetative it mostly is. Sometimes, though, you get lucky. You get a gem of a viewing experience.

A new station had appeared on my television menu - DAYSTAR. Until now it described itself as "closed". Until now it was simply a blank, dark screen. Until now there was nothing. But now - now there was something. And it was bright.

DAYSTAR, it turns out, is an American based religious broadcasting channel. It is not to be confused with still going on [if you can beleive it!] UK pretend breakfast morning show, Daybreak. Despite the angelic Bleakley. DAYSTAR is in the almost parody/stereotype mould of US religious programming. It is fancy - the production values look expensive, outlandish even - the hosts are homely sorts, not too glamorous, but air-brush pretty, who you suspect would welcome you with an apple pie as soon as look at you. They speak with cotton candy intonation and are as sincere with their condescending and bewildering preaching as any Texan judge sentencing people to the death penalty. And yet, it is immediately - for want of any other word - cheesy. Again - do not confuse this with Daybreak.

Religion when trying to appeal to the masses simply cannot get away from that shudder induced at realising you are at a religious rock band concert and those folks in their knitted jumpers pogo-ing about the place might not be super-cool or even distantly likely to let you cop a feel during the mid-set ballad. Because the ballad's all about Saint Desiderius of Fontenelle. And they all want to have a Pure fun time. [If only I could have convinced them I was Jesus]

However, DAYSTAR anchor, Reverend Marcus was now speaking of something I was not expecting from an evangelistic show. God wanted him to go forth and sell insurance. Marcus explained that he had been given a message from God.

"Now I have been a preacher of The Word for 37 years and I have never receieved a message that is as clear as this before, from God. I checked it with Reverend Jack and we checked the Scriptures together and he agrees that this is the most clear message either of us have heard. God is offering you insurance."

Hold on just a minute! What was the message exactly? What form did it take? Did He come in shape of a marginally dated red analogue telephone?

"Do you have problems in your life today? Does the Devil prey on you? Are you struggling with debt? Do you or your loved ones suffer ill health today? God can take those things away. I am so excited about this news! God has said that for 700 viewers, right now, He will protect you from all evil. I am so happy! He will take the Devil from your door! For 700 people for 12 months!"

This seems to be a rather conditional heavy God action here...

"Do you fear your cancer? Do you fear the bills coming through your door? Do you fear the Devil Himself? How great, then, if you are one of the 700 who can gain saftey from these things for 12 months - 6 months for cancer -"

Eh? Wait the what now?

"For 700 of you right now, God is offering you His total protection package for up to 12 months for only $53.17 a month! Just call in on this number: 555 XXXX"

Ah. [the amount, by the way, is explained as being the number of a passage of one of the books of the Apostles which talks about God thinking about getting into the insurance market sector]

"But how will you know if you are one of the those chosen 700 to receive God's ultimate protection?"[results may vary]

Good point. The first 700 to phone in and set up a direct payment to you, Marcus?

"I will pass you across to my friend, to Reverend Jack, who confirmed my message direct from God, to explain."

OK.

Queue another energic man looking directly at the screen and gesturing out into the room.

"It is a good question! How do you know that you have been chosen for this wonderful gift? Ask yourself: Am I one of the 700? Do I need protection from the Devil? Look deep inside you. And do you feel something? Do you feel something in your soul? Do you feel a compulsion to pick up the phone and begin making the payments right now? Give yourself a little time to think about it as you enjoy The Word in the voices of our choir."

At this point, a musical chorus called the DAYSTAR singers are in full Whoopi Goldberg mode singing about love, God's protection and that in a sequence of grand, sweeping camera shots.

Right - so you call up, one of [apparently] millions who are tuning in and potentially doing likewise, believing you are one of the 700 and if nothing happens, the cancer worsens, the bank takes your home because you tell them you have decided to ensure your house with God, the Devil is in bed with your wife, well, you were simply wrong? You takes your chances at the Fair? This doesn't sound like a legitimate insurance company policy. This doesn't really sound like something God should be getting involved with at all. In fact, it sounds a little like the Devil is in the detail here.

"The question is, have you felt anything, anything at all? Because if you feel even the slightest connection right now to what is happening on your screen, it is God trying to call out to you - He is saying you should dial this number and pledge this small monthly price for the protection of the Almighty for 12 months!"

As I say, never confuse this with Daybreak - although with the stupid competition phone-in question mainly designed to make bucket loads of money out of the very tired, housekeepers and the unemployed increasingly it appears that only a mother could tell them apart - DAYSTAR is much less wholesome. Even accounting for the Chiles.