Noah killed all the Unicorns

Step away from the Dan Brown books about coded religious messages in paintings, encrypted biblical texts, holy bloodlines and secular cult secrets placed deep within a labyrinth of tunnels [but watch the Google hits rocket for this blog now! Clever Greville, very clever] because I have made an actual Theobibcalogical discovery.

Now I think you'll find no one has said it is of "Jesus: Lost King of Atlantis" proportions. No one has mentioned that. I didn't hear anyone talking about that, did you? No. No you didn't. Best keep it that way. Because the truth is, of course, too powerful to go to the authorities with. It is, naturally, far too mind blowing a truth to publish to be simply bought indiscriminately by the mere public to give me unaccountable wealth. Far better to put it here, on the head of this needle, to be read by only those whom seek the truth in the... [sigh] haystack... of zombie alien approved "information" and their rubber stamped "facts".

For some They Live wasn't just an audaciously great film.

I was minding my own business, looking at a 19th century tract - we've all been there. I turned to a page where the author proposed the only possible plan which Noah must have followed to harmoniously house all the animals in the world together in a big boat. Or Ark, if you will. Or as the author seems to have willed, a large floating shed, with one slot at the side for air.

One of the boxes immediately caught my eye. In it were animals which appeared to me as recognizable as they are non-existent: 2 unicorns.

Unicorns

UNICORNS

What was going on? There was definitely some hidden message here: Could it be a subtle sign left for a future person, such as myself, to interpret when some form of superinformationhighway had been invented? I think I can speak for everyone that this is the only rational thought we have open to us.

I don't know if you have done much theological research into the absence of the unicorn in jungles, or wherever they should be, in todays world, but with - would you believe? - only the briefest of Google searches, I found, what I gather are, all the theories handily detailed in this (possibly) government/zombie alien funded website, [which, let's be honest though may be maintained by a woman in her 40's wearing a self-knitted full body unicorn outfit, should not nessecarily count against it's content], and each start with the view that the Unicorns never made it onto the Ark.

It was clear to me that the 19th century author had this secret message: the Unicorns had made it onto the Ark after all! And from this, it is obvious to anyone what happened.

But one question remains: why did Noah slaughter the Unicorns?

I prefer to think that it was always in Noah’s plans to not come back with Unicorns. Although, I also prefer to think of Noah as played by Smokey and the Bandit era Burt Reynolds.

In any case, with his neighbors mocking him as he made preparations – he needed an answer to their disparaging questions:
“So, Noah, you’re going to put all the animals in the world on this boat, nice joist work by the way, with you and your family living along side them until the diluvium flood your God will inflict upon this sinful earth to kill us ordinary, everyday, simple, idol worshiping, copyright infringing folk retracts?”
“Yip.”
“But how, dear Noah, will you feed all these animals?”
“Plants.”
“But what of the flesh eating animals, Noah? They must also eat on this long and arduous test of your faith.”
“Unicorns.”
“Unicorns?”
“Yip.”
“Hmm, fair enough.”

And I can just imagine the Unicorns waiting in line at the gangplank:
“Hey, Debbie, have you noticed?
“Noticed what this time, Neil?”
“The Javan Rhinoceros, only two of them. Only two Long-beaked echidnas as well. Tigers, Gorillas, panda bears, even the Marmosa andersoni… just 2 each! In fact all the other animals, they're only getting on the boat two-by-two. And now look at us! 26 of us! We are the chosen ones, alright, Debbie! It's because we can talk. Things will be different when we get on board, you’ll see! We’ll be at the Captain’s dinner table every night.”

Later, as the film, below, harrowingly reveals through the medium of song, Noah came up with some vague story about them free wheeling unicorns going off frolicking instead of getting on board and "nothing he could do" when they "floated off". Yeah right. Like that sounds plausible. But until now, laughably, that is what people actually believed.



The fact is, Noah was spot on to choose the Unicorns: For, I’d like to imagine, they turned out to be the most delicious of all animals in God’s kingdom and their horns were actually those coloured marshmallow twirls.

Of course I would also like to imagine that the ark was less of a boat and more of an articulated trailer. And the flood more of the state of Texas. And the animals were not so much placed in a deliberate matrix for optimal harmony between species but jammed into wooden freight boxes. And the animals were bottles of illegal Hooch.

Are you watching Car. D'gan? - this is real blogging.

Now, introducing Mr. Jimi Hendrix.