Pineapple should always or never taste like this

What of modern culture in New Zealand? Of course it has the musical group Crowded House, and very popular they are too with their light harmony brand of Beatles-esque pop. But after this, I was unsure what else New Zealand had. Actually wait. Crowded House are Australian. New Zealand doesn’t even have Crowded House.

As it turns out they may not have Crowded House but New Zealanders do have the confection called Pineapple Lumps. And what a strange and awful thing they are. By all accounts a gift direct from God
[fair play, seems likely], these little chocolate covered fondants have been kept a minor secret from the rest of the World, but I encountered some recently.

On eating one of the nuggets two facts became very apparent. They are deceptively chewy and I think it hugely unlikely the people of New Zealand actually know what a pineapple tastes like.

Much like when early explorers believed rhinoceroses lived on nothing but air just because they watched them for a bit and did not see them eat, it seems clear the people of New Zealand have been shown a watercolour picture of a pineapple and asked to think about how it might taste. Then take that thought and put it into chocolate covered chunks of pallid yellow and seal them in bright yellow bags to sell to other New Zealanders thereby perpetuating this travesty of man redesigning nature.

The taste, in reality to me, lies somewhere between a banana [though, in a bizarre story parallel of which I cannot say too much, I don’t know what bananas actually taste like] and sweet potato – a sort of mix of yellow fruit and roots and cold, soft bark… in a chewable form. On the other hand perhaps the sweet makers of New Zealand actually have the right idea and pineapples indeed should taste like this and it is the Pineapple itself who we should be questioning.

The packet, in a frankly folly of self redemption, conveniently lists a number to call should I not be fully satisfied with the product.
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Needless to say, still chewing, I had to be immediately and physically retrained from dialling the number: “But I have the international area dialling code! I just want to talk to them! It’ll be day there! I have the coooodde!”