In the past 6 years I've had some involvement in 6 funerals.
- Grandmother
- Mother
- Godson
- Grandfather-in-law
- Uncle-in-law
- Father-in-law
The passing circumstances of these may or may not be discussed in future posts. Suffice to say now, each was traumatic.
My broader relationship with Twitter and being death positive (as well as sharp disappointments and the tremendous happiness the medium gives me daily) is for another time too.
Today is about a very specific bit of my Twitter regarding death.
@littlemissfunerl is a young, talented funeral director working in New York who I follow, and who follows me on Twitter.
@littlemissfunerl tweeted last weekend about how she updated her resume only to realise all it proves to the world is she buries people. I liked it and re-tweeted what was a dark joke, the kind of which I am always apt RT (seriously, follow me, my Twitter account is great fun to take out at parties!).
However, I replied too. I wanted to tell her I appreciate her and her profession very much. In my experience a funeral director has an array of skills which are not always recognised by them personally because it is their job, but are very much needed by those using their service.
I was stunned into happiness when @littlemissfunerl wrote a blog post inspired by this.
Little Miss Funeral writes and summarises her work far better than I can, but I wanted to quickly share my experiences of the skills of funeral directors, drawing on those I've witnessed most recent to me.
[I have a] very pretty and up to date resume that proves to the entire world that I can only do one thing; bury people.
It’s a joke that I took to Twitter, because I believe that I’m sometimes witty and want to share my humor with the internet. I got a few ‘likes’ and retweets, but I got one response that said funeral directors have many high level skills that are valuable to those they serve. And that made me feel really good, because sometimes in the middle of burying and cremating dead bodies, I forget about all the things that I do for others and the things that I’m really good at.
I’m really good at calming people down during an arrangement conference.
I’m really good at doing makeup on the deceased for visitations.
I’m good at organizing a life event in a very short time frame.
I’m good at talking in front of a large crowd and speaking loudly and clearly.
I’m really good at listening...
Despite the 100s of other vital tasks after someone has died, it is the funeral which looms largest, fastest.
People begin almost immediately on hearing the news of the death to speculate when the date of the funeral will be. You can hear diaries being opened when someone asks, "and will it be a cremation or burial?" because each takes it's own time. Fingers crossed for a Friday afternoon so there is more likely to be a chance for a beer or two.
All of a sudden a large social event pinned on sorrow needs planned and held. Unlike a wedding or significant birthday, often a funeral was not on the to-do list until very recently. And arranging a funeral is always the last thing someone wants to do at the time one is required.
There is pressure of expectations to be met. The funeral must be a balance for all - spiritually, emotionally and biologically. The funeral needs to be fitting - respecting the wishes and character of the deceased and respectful to family members and friends. People expect a "good" funeral.
Although a "good funeral" is subjective, a good funeral in my mind is largely one with the least stress for all involved: family and friends. One where grief and fellowship can be expressed in a supportive capacity without shocks and definitely no impromptu role-play element. No one ever likes doing impromptu role-play... ever.
Funeral directors are familiar with managing funerals. They are the best I know at it. This is where funeral directors excel in these skills they often forget they possess, precisely because they use them every working day.
It is the funeral director who gets you through the process of the funeral to allow friends and family to get you through the day of the funeral.
And Little Miss Funeral is right in her list of attributes.
Whenever I have had contact with a funeral director I have found them empathetically professional throughout.
During the initial appointment they listen to the circumstances and gently nudge the funeral arrangements into shape in a comforting and comfortable environment. They recommend options and keep decisions mindful of the structure often expected in a service.
However, whatever the request, big or small in detail, they will listen and accommodate it as best they can, without judgement and with sensitivity.
They manage as much or as little as needed on your behalf. They do far more than provide a guide to coffins and bring the hearse round the corner: they put all the legal paperwork together to allow the funeral to take place, they provide transport, make the bookings of venues, contact the local newspaper obituary sections, they dress the deceased for viewings and make them their finest for their final rest. If you wish, they will put you in touch with a eulogist, order flowers, produce and print orders of service, manage any musical requests, sort out donation wishes... in short they make sure that nothing is an oversight on the day.
They write everything down and nothing needs repeated.
This is someone's end of mortal journey and should there be another's in the afternoon, with another family and another whole different set of arrangements, it makes it no less special or unique to the funeral director. On the day they execute the event with a sombre authority, flexibility and assurance of respecting the occasion for what it is.
And that is a big deal, to have your trust placed like this, on their shoulders. Talking of which...
I've taken a cord for a coffin lowering it into a grave on more than one occasion. When emotions and nerves are locked and loaded in the barrel, the funeral director uses great skills of simple directional communication to give you confidence and not let you fail.
The funeral director does just that: directs. There is no rehearsal (no wordplay intended) for a funeral and so the director is hands-on in their guidance and conducts the event with a light but necessary touch to ensure it goes perfectly to plan.
Yes, I have a lot of respect for funeral directors and the work they do. As the old saying goes, "you never remember a good funeral".
So I just wanted to very roughly document this really. Not for any great purpose, but because of the lovely coming together of my interests and experiences in Edinburgh and a young, talented funeral director who works in New York.
Greville Tombs: Inspiring Funeral Directors since 2016.
