One, Zero, Zero, Baby!
I find that many of these momentous occasions are marred with self sycophancy, indulgence and an altogether misplaced importance of the stock and significance of the blog. Often there are attempts to shoe-horn in knowing inside jokes for the fanboys and cameos from past characters.
Half the battle in trying to avoid these cliches is recognising them in the first place.
So instead of all that let me simply say many, many thanks for reading. I know a few of you have been with the blog from the start. You've been through the good times of William Shatner singing clips, the not so good times of some blogs that must have been a trial to get through just to read given how hateful of myself I felt in writing them for you - and of course the TV reviews. And now look at us! Older, on Twitter, one of us recording a hit album with their band "The Tombstones". Exciting times are ahead moving into the 2nd century of the Lore!
Now, since I am here, I may as well write something. To God.
Hey God, 'tis Greville here.
HI GREVILLE - HOW'S IT HANGIN'?
Not, bad, my man.
SO, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
I just wanted to give you some advice. It's time to do something big, you know, it's been a while.
I WAS THINKING ABOUT DOING SOMETHING. IT SEEMS THAT IT MIGHT BE TIME FOR THE SECOND COMING. MANKIND HAS TWITTER AT ITS FINGERTIPS, IT SHOULD BE EASIER FOR ONE MESSIAH AND 12 FOLLOWERS TO START SPREADING THE WORD.
That would be all well and good as an ineffable plan - if we were in 2006! God, you've missed the boat on Twitter. For a start 12 followers is rubbish. I mean, Jeezus, I've got 30! To be honest, Justin Bieber has Twitter sewn up anyway. Giving hollow, saccharine parables in 140 characters or less as equally as he does self-promote his highly produced music, Justin is as close to a Holy Spirit to his younglings as you can get. He even has you beat for the name of his followers: Beliebers. I mean that's astonishingly clever. Disciples? What's that? That ain't a killer pun on your name. I think that modern technology and trying to connect mankind to your message through it, is not cool. You have not moved with the times and it sort of shows whenever a Christian band uploads their budget free video on YouTube - it is pretty uncomfortable. You should avoid it all costs.
I AM COOL. I REMAIN HIP TO THE BEATS OF MY PEOPLE. YOU LOOK DOUBTFUL. WATCH THIS: YO! KURT! HOW'S IT GOING? TIRED FROM ALL THE SPINNING YOUR DOING ABOUT WHAT COURTNEY IS DOING TO YOUR LEGACY? SMILEY WINKY FACE. SEE?
Ok, not only was that in a little bad taste, I mean Kurt is a pretty cool guy to get up here... but no one actually says “Smiley Winky Face”. It’s an emoticon, you know, for implying the emotion of the sender of an electronic message.
OH. ESS SHAPED MOUTHY FACE.
So here is what I am thinking - write some new Commandments.
WHAT? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE ONES I DID?
Nothing, really, God. The ones you did back there in the olden times were good. Fine for the purpose. But just as Microsoft updates its Internet Explorer, even though the old one did a reasonable job, you need to move those Commandments on. People expect that thing now.
DO YOU HAVE AN EXAMPLE?
Thou shalt not covet your neighbour's wife? God, let me tell you, that happens all the time these days. Coveting is fine. As long as you don't touch. That should be the revised Commandment right there. And a lot of the others, frankly, are a bit self-serving of you, if you don't mind me saying? A bit "attention seeking".
I'M GOD!
Exactly. Now - Twitter, ironically, could have been ideal for handing down the new Commandments - but there are already about 43 "God's" signed up already doing that, so you need to go old skool but bigger. You know what you should do? You should totally burn them commandments into the moon. Imagine that!? Writing on the f***ing moon!
OK, GREVILLE, I'LL MAKE A START *cough*
You're not... erm... doing anything? You're just leaning back on your chair a bit more. Are you going to do them? I mean, this is sort of in your job description.
I AM THINKING ABOUT THEMES. IT'S HARD YOU KNOW. YOU CAN'T JUST COME UP WITH - WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
That - behind you - what is it?
NOTHING, THERE IS NOTHING THERE. DON'T EVEN WASTE YOUR...
It is something - look it is behind your desk. Half hidden under that small fluffy cloud. Let me just blow that cloud away, that's odd the cloud's been tethered down on top of it with rope... I'll just untie... there we go!
OH THAT? I'VE NEVER... I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT BEFORE.
You've never seen it before? But your omnipotent!
I AM NOT! IT'S ALL WORKING TREMENDOUSLY, LET ME TELL YOU THAT. SURE, SOMETIMES WHEN I GET STRESSED...
No! I mean you know everything!
AH, SORRY I THOUGHT YOU SAID... THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT NOW.
So what is it? Why is it at the back of your office, behind your coat stand?
IT WAS HERE WHEN I GOT HERE.
What?!? I'm not... Ok, I am going to set it upright. It's like a robot.... Ah, it's got a plug...
DON'T PLUG IT...
Ho ho! Wow! Look at it go! It's magnetic tape whirling away. Oh! A card has just printed out it's feeder!
IGNORE IT!
Hey - its having a go at doing some rules. Hee, hee! It thinks it's You! I tell you what it's not bad at it you know. It's printing more. This is pretty cool, and it's really quick! I bet it's overheads are negligible.
Listen to these:
1. Be courteous to each other
2. Do not take what is not yours to take
3. Look after your health
4. Accept difference. You are all squishy wonderments in the eyes of the Universe
5. When there is opportunity for compassion, take it
6. Strive for knowledge, seek and embrace joy
7. Contribute to the world in all the ways you can
8. You can look, even imagine a little, but never touch your neighbour's wife
9. Do not buy MAC. God is a PC
10. Worship and adorn always LOBOS!
Ok - back to normal with 101 guys, promise!
