Reading is torture

It was almost inevitable science. Much like the infinity monkeys typing on infinity typewriters will eventually [pretty quickly] type a chapter of the erotic novel Fifty Shades of Grey, enough children dressing as fiction novel characters will eventually throw up one of them dressing as the titular Christian Grey from the erotic novel, Fifty Shades of Grey.

World Book Day is designed to encourage young readers through a variety of events and promotions. One of the most popular activities for schools and nurseries is to allow the children to dress up as their favoured characters from their favoured books.

Alice in Wonderland: Blue dress and blonde wig
Charlie and The Chocolate Factory: Top hat and bow tie
The Gruffalo: Monster foot shoes and false sharp teeth
Fifty Shades of Grey: suit, cable ties and blindfold

The mother of the pupil who turned up as Mr. Grey tweeted him in his costume with the statement: "offensive costume.Excluded from photos, told to change yet teacher dressed as a serial killer and others with guns?"

The tweet found the attention of the media and the story was told.

The school, on understanding the costume, insisted the character was "modified" from Grey to Bond, James Bond. The cable ties and blindfold now to take a double-agent hostage rather than an agent provocateur.

According to the boy's mother this was hypocritical in the extreme of the school.

She pointed to the teachers dressing as Dexter (the psychotic character of the popular Dexter book series), the Wicked Witch from the classic book The Wonderful Wizard of Oz (by L. F. Baum) and Darth Vader... from the... er... the... Star Wars Annual number 1. All fictionally much worse in their actions than Mr Grey.

What I find more troubling is that the teachers were in costumes at all. This is a day for the children. That's why adults have Masquerade Balls. If anything, if they wanted to join in, the teachers should have come as the favourite characters from books they read when they were children. Long John Silver, Lucy from the Chronicles of Narnia, Mr. Tickle. Ok, maybe not Mr. Tickle. And I might be forgetting the age of teachers these days.

Anyway, I digress.

According to the mother of the 11 year old Liam, in this article, Liam had the idea for dressing as the character.

Liam himself confirmed it, explaining the reasoning behind the decision: "It was my idea, it's all you've seen around: on the telly and magazines, just everywhere really. And if there's one film talked about at school, it always Fifty Shades of Grey. He seems such a big character over the past few years.. I thought I should go in as him for a bit of fun."

So... not... read it then? Not actually popped into the local bookshop with your book tokens from your auntie for your birthday and bought the book? Not waived your junior library card at a librarian and borrowed it?

What about the accoutrements? The cable ties? The blindfold?

Liam's mum: "The cable ties. Following the film being released, there was lots of comments all over Twitter, all over Facebook, saying they've 'been to see the film and now off to B&Q to get me cable ties'. So, that was out there for everyone to see. So, yeah, we thought we'd let [Liam] have a couple of little cable ties - tiny ones - and the eye mask."

So... not... because you read about them in the book then? Not actually read the description in the book to ensure it was accurate to the requirements of the written character?

I am starting to question if there is a copy of this book in the family home at all.

This is what is the real tragedy here. Get beyond the book's subject matter, the idea that by somehow banning an 11 year old student dressing as a sexual sadist the school is censoring the material - the real issue is that this is not appropriate because it had nothing to do with the book. Any book.

This was for World Book Day! Not World Film Adaptation I Read Something On A Tweet Day!

If the mother of Liam and Liam really wanted to celebrate the book Fifty Shades of Grey then the school should have set work for Liam based on it: 1400 words discussing the screenplay deficiencies or otherwise in relating the actions described in the book to the audience.

At least then when Liam arrived for class ready to restrain and blindfold the school pet hamster on World Book Day everyone would be able to accept this was something Liam at least knows is a book.

"Quotable lines 4!" A new batch

You might remember a series of blogs I did where I exlpained I like to tweet lines from my made-up movies every so often. Then I blogged the lines too in an awesome blog post which included film quotes from "Sexy Autopsy" and "Fax Machine Down!".

I've called this phenomena "Grevillehouse" - it's not mad if it is a genre.

Fans of Grevillehouse will be delighted to find I've gone and done another made up film already this year. Light Speed Limit (Rated R) is based on the actual events too.
It had a little higher make-believe budget as well.

So settle down for some more... Grevillehouse.

But first the trailers of more made up movies by me. All age appropriate for the main feature...




Peter T Bone is the steak knife killer in… The Steak Knife Killer! Rated R! The Steak Knife Killer! The chances of survival for Peter’s dates are… rare!
“Hey, Peter, great choice of restaurant for our first date!”
“I only take the finest choice of cuts out to the steakhouse”
“Are you getting fresh…?”
However you like your murders: Bloody to Well-done. You’ve come to the right steakhouse.
Peter T Bone, the steak… knife… killer.
Rated R.



Sweet Lady Ems IS the Law… Librarian… in, BOOK ‘EM!
This book loving dame has a tweed belt in the martial art of AACR2 and an aggression level set to “passive”. When the Law Librarian closes rolling stacks, they stay closed – to death. But she also has the body of a woman.
You’ve come to the right place, if you want a reported court case! But when the law librarian searches the OPAC, all you criminals better watch your back! She’s a mean, lean, MARC Unicode compatible machine!
Cat burglars tangle with The Law Librarian only to have their library member cards stamped “Overdue… for prison” in BOOK ‘EM!
“Tell me before I go to jail, Law Librarian, how’d you figure out my ingenious cat burglary plans?”
“You forgot who was on your tail, Tomcat, I am a law librarian: cats are our spirit animal and we speak all dialects of Meow!”
BOOK ‘EM! is the film critics cannot believe has been made.
You’ll see law librarianship in all its psychedelic imagery!
“So, Law Librarian, you used Boolean Logic to catch the criminal?”
“Well, Yes AND No, detective.”
BOOK ‘EM! will reinforce your notions of life as a law librarian and then alter them into wild, dizzy neon nightmares of book pulp, lust and gore!
“Hey, Law Librarian, ain’t you a citation for sore eyes!”
“Sugar, you just keep your eyes above my top shelf”
Sweet Lady Ems is The Law Librarian – the perfect mix of law, order and that most carnal of all things: knowledge.
“Law Librarian, you were right again! The stolen rings were stashed in the Library all along!”
“Of course! After all, detective, in a library: Silence is always Golden.”
BOOK ‘EM! 
Classified R.


And now, the main feature!
Light Speed Limit (Rated R):
When science meddles with light, things get dark in this tale of warning based on actual events.


Light Speed Limit (2015)

“Professor, It worked! The light in this test tube is slowing down!”
“Yes, Mike, my theory was correct. But what if my other theory was wrong?”
 - Light Speed Limit

“Mike, you fool! You took a spoonful of slow light out of the vacuum cage!”
“I wanted to show it to Susan, Professor!”
“You fool, Mike!”
 - Light Speed Limit

“Can’t we just give light a push, professor?”
“That’s why you’re a pretty face, Susan”
 - Light Speed Limit

“Mike, what will it be like when the speed of light drops below 17 miles per hour?”
“Well Susan, according to science, days will never end and nights will last forever”
“Oh Mike, it sounds horrible!”
 - Light Speed Limit

“Light: the purest energy of the cosmos. And humanity had to spoil it with our obsession with the sin of sloth”
 - Light Speed Limit

“Susan! What’s with the bikini?”
“If light is slowing down, Mike, it will take longer to get a summer tan, silly! Now run!”
 - Light Speed Limit

“Professor!”
“Mike, my boy, I can’t help you. By the time I walk the 30 feet across the laboratory floor you’ll be nothing but dust. I see you waving but you are already dead.”
 - Light Speed Limit


Roll credits over a suitable soundtrack



Words by Greville Tombs
Colouring of words by Greville Tombs
Produced by Greville Tombs for Grevillehouse Productions
Directed by Greville Tombs

........

If you don't follow me on Twitter then you are missing out on very occasional real quotes to my made up movies. So really, it's up to you.

Extreme trampolines and hold-up bras

I thought I would quickly blog about the news of a trampoline park which recently opened up near Edinburgh.

10,000 square feet of trampoline lining the floor and walls. With no age restrictions 11am-9pm. What could go wrong?

Apparently, quite a bit according to this news story:

Investigation after 102 incidents at trampoline park

Broken limbs, backs and necks reported along with some allegedly lapse health and safety procedures.

The CEO of the park issued the statement:

it was "very important" to put into context they had had 25,662 jumpers over the three week period and 102 incidents in that time was only a 0.39% incident rate.

"We have never had an injury that was caused by the equipment or layout of the park... injuries come from landing awkwardly, or interacting with another jumper."

I'm no expert, but those using trampolines surely can usually only injure themselves through landing or interaction with another jumper. Or jumping really high up to a spiky ceiling or into deep space.

And so what if the park layout has funky, edgy décor, music and incentives for you to jump higher and in a range of angles? It doesn't mean one should get carried away and try a triple salchow when until 3 minutes before you thought it was a drink order.





And according to the park's own website:

A recent study of trampoline parks across the US found an injury incident rate of 0.02%

Which is lower than 0.39%

Anyway, I'm not about to start questioning the response from the CEO. Or the statistics. Or suggest 4 trampolines in a room of whitewashed breezeblock and the teenage pleasing sound of Bobby Vee on the speakers would encourage more gentile jumps.

I want to mention what surprises me in this report.

What surprises me about all this is not the injuries - no doubt a few attributable to over exuberance -  or that a wife would spend 20 minutes arguing with a school-leaver attendant to call an ambulance instead of phoning an ambulance herself after 5 minutes of arguing for her near folded husband on the trampoline. What surprises me is the number of people wanting a shot on a trampoline.

25,662 in the first 3 weeks of opening.

That's 51 people an hour, every hour of every day for 3 weeks.

That's astonishing to me. I never figured that trampolines would ever be that much of a draw. I know some will be repeat bouncers but, even so. That's a lot of people in the area who totally want to jump up and down. Often next to each other. In an unpredictable fashion. Willing to sign a liability waiver to do it. And after reading this in the Safety and Rules section of the park:

WARNING!!! Catastrophic injury, paralysis or even death may result from failing to follow the rules established by the park, some of which are set forth below and due to inherent risks, sometimes even if all rules are followed.

And still people complain when they break their neck.

Anyway as the saying goes: It's Health and Safety Gone Mad.

Next they'll be saying wearing a semi-automatic gun-holster brassier is not a good idea.

Woman shoots herself in face while adjusting bra holster

Ah.

"This technique also presents the attacker with a major distraction while allowing you to access and utilise your firearm," said Flashbang, one of the leading manufacturers of the product.

Flashbang have a point. And for the rest of the time, when you are driving, shopping for shoes and jumping on a trampoline, you have a loaded gun pointed at you.





Be safe out there. A stray shot from a bra-gun could ricochet off a trampoline and deflate a nearby bouncy castle. With you in it.

Recognising a well run bouncy castle

2014: it occurred, now it's 2015

I stopped doing annual reviews on here in 2012. Or was it 2011? I forget. It was like, 3 years ago. Anyway, I stopped because every one was doing it. And I am nothing if not an outsider to things which are popular.

I am bringing it back for a last hurrah. For the fans. For the fans who thought it would never happen. For the fans to be disappointed at how old it looks, how it just isn't the same when we were young, how it seems to have been done for emotionless, financial reasons (see Twin Peaks... X-Files.... - I'm kidding, almost certainly these will be great).

Anyway, here is my very brief, undercooked, shallow and ultimately poor review of the year.

Talking of circles of diminishing returns, Band Aid coming back with their "Do They Know It's Christmas?" was odd. It was brought back for raising aid for those dealing with Ebola. I'm not sure it really worked. It has been widely mentioned outwith here the original Bono line "Tonight thank God its them instead of Youuuuuuuu!" - perhaps the most pertinent lyric in the song - was now "Tonight we're reaching out and touching you!" is terrible advice for Ebola. Let's not get into the fact it is the exact same concept: A group of pop/rock smiths who can make the short recording session turn up to record the song, each taking a turn and playing a chord or drum.

Back in 1984, the idea was exciting. The artists were a ramshackle bunch. It was a true "Super band" and some people you've never seen before. The whole thing seemingly was done cheaply, quickly and with altruistic values to sing a hastily written song. You felt label contracts and riders were thrown to one side to make it happen for one day in a cold studio.

I thought they basically did it illegally, even breaking into the vinyl pressing factory and making the singles themselves. Boy George and Paul Weller on the Quality Control conveyor belt.



By the 2014 version (was the anniversary just too good to let pass?)... well, not so much.



Can you imagine going to the Virgin Megastore and buying the next Now That's What They Call Christmas....Ever! double CD album and finding it's the ebola version of "Do They Know It's Christmas?". You'd be gutted.

And another thing, ebola had been a major story for quite a while during 2014. There was a chance to reignite the magic with a new tune. Or maybe an old tune but go all the way and re-write the lyrics.

Might I suggest Snow - Informer?



It wouldn't take much to make it work:"Ebola! Lalalah!" Plenty of lyrical opportunities to share round in this too.

In the same way, they could have brought the terrible plight of those subjected to Boko Haram with their version of Harlem Shake. Which, I should add, I absolutely did not confuse the two in a late night discussion.

Anyway, 2014 was full of sport. The World Cup! The Winter Olympics! The Commonwealth Games! The Indoor Bowls!

You know what was weird? First time Olympian 36 year old violinist Vanessa Mae competing for Thailand at the skiing and coming last. Then it turned out Thailand let Vanessa win and doctored her times and generally cheated like Dick Dastardly in Wacky Races to get her to qualify for the Olympics. That was weird. And then Vanessa Mae appealing the subsequent ban. So she can compete again. That was weird too.

But you know what it wasn't as weird as? Barry singing at the indoor bowls final.



But, the oddest thing of sport in 2014 was probably the Columbian women's cycling team's kit:

telegraph http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/11096585/Colombian-women-cycling-team-kit-Vagina-like.html

TV was pretty good in 2014. It must have been. I didn't write too many reviews on this blog. It was either that or I watched every ice bucket challenge my friends uploaded and shared and liked instead. Brooklyn nine-nine was a highlight, and Toast of London made a welcome return. There was a good documentary about the hardships of being Heidi Klum ("Heidi was getting tired of the west coast beach scene"), but I think it was a repeat. Of course, Ghost Adventures wins the award for top TV show again ("Sprit lady, if you're in this bed, touch a part of my body!"). But only because Stars In Their Eyes returned too late to be considered, in January 2015 [harry hill look to camera].

Finally, let's end where we began and remember 2014 for the year pop music showed us that it was the year where a Bladerunner future might only be 12months away:



So that's it. My thoughts on 2014 there.

*drops mic*